I have changed.

So, is anyone else just totally disappointed with how they've turned out? 

I never thought I'd be the person I am right now, in regards to so many various categories of personality, behavior, thought patterns, etc., and I sometimes find myself just deep down a spiral of thinking that leaves me nearly breathless at how unhappy I am with myself. I don't recognize this person, I am regularly befuddled by how I got here, and I don't know how or if I ever can recover a lot of the good, positive things in myself that for so long I thought were just part of the given, standard, Bailey package. 

The vast majority of my thoughts are negative.

I am extremely hard on myself, and others. I judge others' situations and actions immediately, without a benefit of the doubt, without grace, without nuance, and use it as fuel to feed my already out-of-control jealousy and bitterness. 

It's bad. It's rough, and I don't know if it can be fixed, or if any of this mental poison can be lanced from my system, any of this deep trauma reversed. Moreover, I feel this emotional trauma is almost entirely self-inflicted, so it doesn't feel possible to make things better for myself if that same self is the one who brought all this on. How can a person who is broken be trusted to think and behave in ways that will make herself unbroken? A toaster that's gone awry and now chars bread even on its lightest setting can't be expected to suddenly start heating things more evenly, can it? 

It's interesting that a toaster metaphor came into my head just now, as I have referenced my internal wiring in discussions about these changes that have occurred in me over the past handful of years, on the rare occasion when I have discussed some of these things with people. 

One thing that seems to have undergone a major shift within me is my social self. Personality tests, people who know me, and I myself just of course assumed that I was an extrovert since always, basically. I mean I'm not shy. My self-consciousness levels have always been way lower than the average person (we've all seen my non-matching, not stylish outfits, and heard me just blabber on about whatever, whenever, wherever). I've experienced several times what I describe as a "high" that occurs when I talk specifically to strangers. Like, that's just straight up uncommon, I think. So of course, I'm an extrovert, right? How could I not be?

In recent years I've come to think that maybe I'm not actually an extrovert, and at least one therapist has been comfortable to declare such about me, as I require a lot of by-myself time to recharge. (I also at least used to gain energy by interacting with people, so this distinction of intro vs. extrovert is still a mystery that is being worked out.) I have always needed my alone time, and find great peace and joy in sitting-at-home-alone activities such as reading, cross stitching, smooching on the cat -- this has always been true, we're talking since I was 10 years old these hobbies have not changed. So I can accept the argument (with some adjustment still, of course) that I'm an introvert, and sorta kinda move past the idea that I don't fit into this extrovert label, because meh, it's just a label and I've always kind of been my own category of a person anyway, ha.

What has been so hard, and difficult to comprehend is how I now feel in situations with people. Things I thought were for sure hard-wired within me (see? I was going somewhere with the toaster/electricity thing) seem to not in fact be a guarantee, and it has sent me reeling. Up until about five years ago, I loved getting together with people and by and large didn't like to miss any birthday party or happy hour or what have you. I was filled with genuine joy when I had the opportunity to talk with friends old and brand-new, to tell my gal pals how beautiful and wonderful they are, to plan surprise parties and bachelor/ette parties, to hug and squeeze hands and hold eye contact and giggle and cry and get real and dance from the shoulders up on our bar stools. 

It was life-giving, almost always, and now it's rare when I walk away from something thinking, "That was fun," "I had a good time," or "It was really nice to talk to that person." There's always so much riding on any given social situation now; I set the bar so high (to make up for past disappointment so strong) that the event and people in attendance can't ever satisfy.

***

Today, I frequently have to put in all my energy to gear myself up to attend any sort of party. I get so nervous about how I will feel, if I will be standing alone, if I will have to insert myself into conversations (knowing I absolutely don't want to do so -- chit chatting until recently was always one of my favorite activities and came so naturally, so it's infuriating that it now feels like work or has the potential to make me uncomfortable). Before, during, and after social events, I almost inevitably feel left out in some way, to some degree, feeling not included or involved enough, or sometimes just not invited in the first place. It feels pathetic, embarrassing, childish. 

And yet. 

Here we are. 

I've known and owned for decades at this point that I am too sensitive for my own good. But am I really that selfish that unless I am the center of attention or regarded as the best friend, the life of the party, if I am not missed when I am absent from a gathering, that it's not worth attending that gathering and my wounded ego will reduce itself to all-or-nothing thoughts that I therefore must not be considered a friend at all, and I should just consider these people acquaintances and give up?

I didn't think so, for a long time. I thought I was more thoughtful than that, able to tell myself "it's not about me" and hear that and let it register within my emotional bloodstream, making me stronger and less petty, freeing me to be the kinder and more thoughtful friend I most often knew myself to be.

Now I'm really not so sure. 

I avoid going to get-togethers, particularly group activities beyond more than a one-on-one interaction or a double date. I find excuses not to go -- something I never, ever did before. On the contrary, I was always the least self-conscious person within a group and could be happily thrown into a situation where I was meeting all new people. Offhand, I can think of at least two occasions in the last few years when I have gotten dressed, put on makeup, picked up a six pack to share at an event, driven all the way there, parked, and...driven back home, never to even enter the party. 

I sit there in my car and run through what it will be like to walk in to someone's apartment or condo and I decide, ultimately: Nope. I picture walking into a space full of conversations already in progress between people I don't feel connected to or close with, snaking my way through the crowd to find the host, I hear them say "Hi!" and pull me into a hug and then feel the situation immediately deflate, without any real friendly air in there to begin with. 

I picture people, in more alcoholically "lubricated" situations, yelling "Bailey!", then hugs, then...nothing. No true connection, nothing else to say to each other, no one asking me how I am or if they do ask, then I don't want to answer honestly. Because that answer would be: "I feel totally left out! You guys hang out all the time and I see it on social media and I am just here once in a blue moon and I feel totally out of place and self conscious and I hate it!!! I wish I knew all of you better and that you liked me more and that you cared to get to know me and that I didn't feel like an add-on invitation to your guest list. I wish I didn't feel like an afterthought and that I weren't so jealous of your home, your body, your youthful skin, your better-paying job, your contentment, your..."

[The weakest fake smile I can muster on my face. Say I have to pee so I can exit the situation as quickly as I entered it.]

***

I was a better person before, a better friend for sure. I have always been inclined to feeling left out, but I also used to be genuinely thoughtful and kind. I made time for people, stayed on the phone for long periods to listen as they talked through things, wrote emails and cards, felt deeply for what my friends were going through and made a point to make them feel seen, understood, loved and valued. For years I've had a lot of friends, and it occurred to me just this very week that while I still may have a lot of friends, I just don't feel like I have a lot of active friendships. I feel wounded, and don't know where to go from here; licking my wounds of friendships faded (whether it's their fault or mine or no one's) hurts like hell, but also -- now what? Having retreated from relationships in ways I never thought I would has deeply changed me. This unexpected, albeit gradual, change has left me lost, feeling stuck, and quite ashamed. 

I don't think I am fully 100 percent a monster, but monster-ish thoughts about myself definitely win out and overshadow a lot of other would-be positive, helpful, healing thoughts. 

***

I think about posting this -- and I probably will -- and I see some adults who have known me since childhood feeling very upset when they read this. I think about my current peers thinking, "Wow, Bailey is not a very nice person and it seems she needs things to be all about her. I'm not sure I want to spend time with her anymore, particularly if she might think that I don't care about her or give her enough attention. What a whiny baby."

That all may be true. I don't like it if that's true or if that will happen. But I guess I just want to say some honest things, get them out there in the universe, see if maybe it lances some of that emotional poison from within me. Like I mentioned above, I do by and large blame myself for having become this negative, bitter, emotionally stunted (or emotionally fried?) person, even if my brain always go to snap judgments and wants to actually blame my bitterness on other people not being kind or thoughtful enough (or for being prettier and more successful than I am, you know who you are :). My knee-jerk reaction these days is to blame others who seem happier than I am for why I feel less happy, but ultimately I blame myself for not being a more mature person capable of growth and humbly accepting the larger picture of life and at least attempting to believe that people are trying to do their best and be kind. And while neither quadrant of blame is enjoyable at all, the latter is much more punishing, I assure you. 

If you need me, I'll be navel gazing, cross stitching, reading, and cuddling this angel cat who has been curled up against me for this whole typing session. 

I am also going to try and get out for a run/walk/hike or do a weight lifting workout today, as I do have at least one mentally well thing going for me and that is that I know the power of physical fitness to ease my mind and have made it a priority and a habit. I am able to find gratitude for that. 

I hope some of this damage in me can be reversed. In many ways, I really liked the Bailey I was before. And I hope if my damage has damaged the relationship between you and me, whoever's reading this, I hope that can be fixed, too. 

The world as chatterbox

There is a barista at my neighborhood Starbucks named Baylie, and nine times out of 10 whoever takes my order at the register spells my name on the cup using her spelling rather than mine and I think that's sweet. It shows affection for their own, and they do seem to like Baylie, particularly this one young man on their team with whom she seems to have a little flirting thang going on. :)

I hope it works out between them, and that they invite me to lead the espresso toast at their wedding, having been a homonym of the bride and all.*

*And also a former Starbucks barista, thank you very much.

Speaking of coffee shops, and restaurants like Panera where people camp out with their laptops or come to catch up with a friend over lunch -- do y'all share my same overwhelming annoyance in overhearing others' conversations?!? Is it just me??

Look, I understand that these are the exact places designed for folks to gather and chat and not be expected to keep quiet. This isn't the library, I get it. But the particular way that my blood pressure rises and the urge to roll my eyes becomes so intense when I have to listen to people across the way talking about their dating lives, or their kid's dance class, or their particular contributions to this work Zoom they're on...forget it. I can't. I mean, I would say many types of situations in life cause me to arrive at my worst, but in the listening-to-others-gab category, oh I'm at my worst. (Ya know, when I'm not busy being at my worst stuck in traffic or waiting too long to eat lunch or just generally judging and being jealous of people.)

Truly though, I completely get the fact that people have the right to assemble in a coffee shop and that hundreds of times I am SURE I have been the annoying one yapping one table over driving some other cranky lady hyped up on too much caffeine nuts while she has to listen to me talk about my cat or Céline Dion or whatever middle school novel I'm currently reading in great detail. 

I understand that this is a normal part of daily life, in a period in history when there are a whole lot of us on the planet and so we are bound to be near each other in close proximity a lot. I also recognize that sometimes the nearby ramblings of others don't bother me one bit -- so much of it depends on how well-fed, well-rested, well-hydrated and generally happy I am in a moment to determine how accommodating or irritable I might be. 

I don't really have a point here (I rarely do). I suppose I'm just looking for a communal "Amen" that we're all annoyed with each other, with the same exact strangers who in other moments we can deeply love and find true connection with.  

I guess what I'm saying is that rational understanding doesn't always breed patience, or sympathy, or compassion or general reasonable, civil reactions from humans. At least not from this human. 

Until next time, Friends.  -- The DB

Navigating

Good afternoon, Friends.

Long time, no blog.

I'm not sure I'm really going to use this space and my time to explain my absence, nor will I explore or make promises to you or myself about how many blog posts I'll promise you in the near or distance future, so let's just say for now, right now, I am here. And if you are reading this, you are here and we are here together. 

So welcome back -- to both of us, I suppose -- and I hope each party is uplifted in internet community or whatever through this here little blog post which let's be real will be about some topic or thought(s) that I am yet to determine. 

Please keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times, and buckle your safety belt for whatever's about to happen below. 

***

I drink a lot of mint tea these days -- "tea," rather, as I understand any "herbal" brew without caffeine to be not actually tea but in fact just a good-old-fashioned regular leaf in water. Mint tea used to be one of the varieties I most disliked, as I think I found the understated water to be slightly depressing, or boring. I also think I wrote a blog post about how I came 'round to enjoying mint tea, circa 2010. 

Anyway, that's what I drink now, most afternoons at work. At least one cup, sometimes a second or a third. I like that, being stimulant free, it can't further agitate my proneness to anxiety. I like that, being warm, it brings a touch of coziness, slowness, care and comfort to my space, particularly after I ease back into focused thinking and tasks following my lunch break. I like that it doesn't tend to oversteep and become harsh in flavor the way a well-intentioned pekoe or Earl Grey might. 

I like the somewhat idiosyncratic irony that in being mint it is cool but being brewed in hot water it is also warm in the same sip; I find subtle identity in the cup, recognition of being a strange person with sometimes contradictory opinions and often moody feelings -- as I see my reflected image on the liquid surface I also feel a sort of understood, quiet kinship with this beverage I'm holding that seems to be the same way, with its mind both never quite made up but also VERY made up on certain ideas and wishes and rankings of pop singers.

So what I'm saying is my afternoons get pretty philosophical, OK?

***

I feel left out a lot these days, or left behind, which has been the case for many days, weeks, and months throughout various periods of my life but is certainly not always true. I can point to several times when I have felt very welcomed, celebrated, and gathered both consciously and organically into a friendship fold. 

A lot of the reason for this current season of jealousy and sense of injustice is, frankly, money. The world has become a much more expensive place -- cost of food, drinks, lodging, transportation, rent, retail items, etc. have all gone up considerably in a relatively short period of time. I also think that travel has become more in vogue in the last couple of decades, and has not always been paired with a thoughtful or realistic regard for the fact that travel is a luxury experience. Even on a shoestring, things like airfare are expensive. Airbnbs, hotels, food, gas -- it ain't cheap. Perhaps this is anecdotal, but I have found that the many positives of travel have been preached more and more since my adolescent years and meanwhile the larger conversation in our society about the practicality of visiting Mumbai and Madagascar and Miami has not been adjusted. 

I have made financial decisions in recent years that I have learned from, and I am still learning to re-build tendencies and create new, better habits in that regard. One of the ways I've somewhat improved in my spending is to at least draw a cap on what I deem to be justifiable for purchasing, particularly when it comes to non-essential, big ticket items or excursions. However, making these choices to scale back can lead to feeling left out and left behind. 

In addition to feeling like I can't financially participate in certain things or am not invited to certain things, I also leave myself out of things. I have consciously pulled back from several relationships after my feelings were hurt, either by a brash comment that was made or even by what both I and the person delivering the joke knew full well was a joke -- and I have a pretty good sense of humor, generally. But I'm also pretty damn sensitive, Guys. Too sensitive for my own good, that is for sure.

I've pulled back from people and events, for many reasons including the fear that I might be bored, ignored, jealous, angry, or uncomfortable. I truly did not consider myself to be someone with social anxiety before, but now I catch myself finding lots of excuses not to attend things and then finally realizing I'm sometimes just scared to go. Recently I had to talk myself into going to a birthday party, telling myself it would be good for my general mental health to get out and socialize, reminding myself how wonderful the birthday girl is, and finally telling myself that if I don't start attending events again on some sort of a regular basis then this social anxiety and feeling left out/left behind/generally "other" is only going to get worse. So to this particular most recent party I went, and I made some friends for the night and talked about Dolly Parton and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and coconut water and it wasn't great but it wasn't terrible and I enjoyed my time to an extent. I sipped two non-alcoholic beers, left before midnight, and got up for spin class the next morning, well-rested and not hungover and able to kick some relative ass on the bike, I might add.

***

I've changed a lot, and I spend a lot of my energy trying to reconcile the way I knew myself to be for several decades with the way I feel now. It's hard, upsetting, annoying, and causes a primary theme in my life of feeling discontent on either side of a situation or character trait. 

I find, often, things that used to excite me a good deal -- putting on makeup and a cute outfit, having drinks with friends, getting to know strangers at a party -- no longer give me a reliable dopamine hit or confirmation that some of my best bits of personality and sociability are still life giving. Now, the good side of this is that I can find gratitude in less grand moments of life, when I leave an event where I am wearing makeup and trying to have fun with friends and recognize that I will feel more refreshed the following day because I am in bed reading another chapter rather than ordering another round. 

But ultimately it's still hard to find myself feeling unhappy -- or flat -- in moments and circumstances that used to be fun, and to feel maybe not unhappy in "opposite" situations (e.g., hanging quietly at home, not spending money) but also not real thrilled or excited or joyous, either. It all leaves me feeling kind of Blah and Blegh and I'd prefer to feel like Bailey. 

***

So that's (some of) where I'm at. As always, I love to read and love to smooch on my cat. I have piles of books and a pile of fluff in my home that I can count on for nightly comfort, and -- somehow, by the grace of God -- I still have people who show up in my phone and my email and my socials telling me they love me and like me and that to some extent in their own way they understand some of this stuff I'm going through and that they dislike it for me when I am discontent. 

I am moving forward. I am trying to figure it out. I am trying to figure me out. I am doing a lot of exercising and making sleep a priority and drinking water and giving thanks for my job and coworkers. And apparently: blogging again. Well, for now, People. For today. We'll see what's next. 

Xox,
The Daily Bailey

Take Five!

Wow, Y'all. This got long (but it's bullet points so relatively a quick read?). I think I need some new things to do. But also what are you doing, watching Gilmore Girls for the eighth time? You've got time to read this. I mean, if you want. No pressure. OK here we go!

Five things I'm good at

• Petting cats (no, really, though. My methods are fine tuned, and even timid felines respond well)
• Making someone I've only just met feel very safe and welcomed
• Letting people say something they are scared to say because it's not widely welcomed and not run away screaming
• Talking to anyone about anything anytime
• Writing (not always coming up with something interesting to say, but sentence structure and such I have down)

Five things I'm not good at

• Volleyball (or being competitive/taking an interest in winning in sports)
• Asking for a raise
• Telling people that they have hurt my feelings
• Putting letters I write in the mail within a reasonable amount of time
• Convincing myself that I will be OK and content and confident one day

Five things that frighten me in general

• Belly dancers (they are very sexually forward)
• Peacocks (same reason)
  
• Using street drugs
• Embarking on a new career/job (fear that it will be too hard, I won't like it, etc.)
• Bungee jumping. No thank you.

Five things that frighten me in current circumstances

• The nature of communication and relationships in our country
• The election in November
• Not having a job
• Monotony/social isolation
• Being misunderstood, I guess

Five foods that I love

• Watermelon (even though I rarely eat it, or any fruit)
• Kraft macaroni & cheese, the spiral kind, with black pepper on top
• Pizza -- any kind will do, but pepperoni/pineapple/jalapeno is a personal sweet spot for me
• Restaurant pancakes, with a tiny hint of saltiness, melted butter and sweet syrup. Never mind that I can only down about four bites of a short stack before I'm totally full. Yasss. 
• Ridged potato chips with French onion dip

Five items in my closet that I love

• The color block cardigan sweater from ModCloth
• My "All I want for Christmas is Celine Dion" sweatshirt
• The dalmatian belt I found at a thrift shop in Kansas
• The Hawaiian print maxi dress I got a year ago and still haven't worn but I bet looks even better now since I've lost weight
• The Sally dress I made for Halloween last year

Five people outside of my family who have seen me cry (or at least listened to me do so over the phone)

• Alex
• Michelle
• Wendy
• Steph
• Sam

Five vacations that were especially memorable/hold an extra warm, cozy, happy place in my heart

• When my family went to various towns and scenic points in Colorado, summer of 1998
• Chicago, October 2014. First time I met my bestie's husband, surprised Dad who was running the marathon, made soup for old college buds, sleepover and manicures with Michelle, and an "autumnal lunch" together as she described it, my first Rachael Yamagata concert with Nick. I had just adopted Max and would soon start dating Alex, though I didn't know that. I was at a good, happy, independent spot in my life, and I remember that trip as a moment in time, sandwiched between good things just happened and about to happen, oozing with cozy Midwestern gooeyness and people I love to pieces.
•  Table Rock Lake, summer 2011. I was taking a summer class in grad school, and I drove to meet up with my bestie who had just gotten married, her husband and parents. My favorite day was when we took the boat out to a cove, anchored, wore life jackets as diapers so we could sit and bob in the water, turned on the radio and just sipped beers and talked and laughed. 
• Centerville, Iowa, summer 1996 (?). I could be overlapping a few trips into one melded memory, but they always involved radishes dipped in salt, games of Uno at the kitchen table, indoor golf putting, trying to stack blocks on uneven carpet, and my grandparents who always smiled and joked and laughed and made us feel good. This particular summer was one of the supercharged, brushed-with-pink-highlighter ones, because COUSINS were there. It was a family reunion year, I believe I was the owner of a bottle cap smiley face necklace, and while the boys were away fishing or something, the aunts and nieces prepared a water fight heist for their return. It was epic and perfect.
• Spring break, 2001. I was a sophomore in high school, and I chose to spend part of my week off with my grandma, simply because I enjoyed her company. I think maybe my brother drove me there and stayed for a day or two. While Grams had a doctor's appointment I went to the mall and bought a Dido CD and some clothes, she took me out on her gravel country roads and taught me to drive her red Jeep Cherokee, and after she went to bed I stayed up late and watched Gilmore Girls, allowed to eat all the ice cream I wanted. Epic and perfect. 

Five weddings I've attended that I loved

• My "Uncle" Dan and his wife Pam. At sunset in Missouri, no more than 30 - 40 people in attendance. A three-piece band playing "Play that funky music" and "Mustang Sally" while I cut a rug with the minister (Dad). My mom and I each got a glass of red from the bar and clinked together in a Cheers. Later the best man came over and said he had watched our moment from across the room and found it really special and moving. 
• Ed & Kailey. I had only briefly met them once before, as evidenced by the fact that the name placard at my place setting said "Alex's Girlfriend," which I thought was hilarious and a once-in-a-lifetime silliness. Many of the attendees were part of the groom's softball team, and there was much raucous chatting and dancing throughout the night. I ignored Alex for much of dinner to talk deeply about all things in life to my brand new gal pal seated next to me. When "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" started playing, a film crew might as well have been present, because there was so much exuberant singing along and dinging a spoon on a plate to the beat happening that we basically created an updated music video. Also I'm pretty sure I made several requests from the DJ and I think he played all of them. 
• Corie & Cyle. The whole bridal party spent the weekend in a ginormous house with like five beds crammed in each room for full-on camp experience bonding, the wedding was outside by the lake and the reception was on the lake in a cruise boat (dance floor on the roof). My pops helped with the ceremony, so I got to hang with the 'rents, my friend gave me a very fun side pony curly poof updo, we did a little joy ride out on the boat after the nuptials. And at the rehearsal, they had Amber Bock and I put pulled pork on top of a burger and dipped each bite in ranch dressing, get on my culinary genius level, people. Boom. So good.
• Jason & Laura. The first time I attended a wedding top to bottom, rehearsal through reception. My big bros and I drove up to Michigan in the snow, listening to Nickelback (yes) on the radio and I at least (yes) enjoyed the listening to Nickelback. I had never been to a wedding before to witness all the bridesmaid dresses, the dancing, the clinking of glasses to get them to kiss. It really opened up my imagination to a world of planning my own wedding, even though now I'm fine with a very bare bones (read: cheap and not intense/stressful) affair.
• Nick & Garrett. A beautiful event, for sure, and I had lots of fun with all the pre-planning and preparation, but mostly it was just a very special day to see someone I love very much live into his true being and go before as an example to me. 

Five random classes I've taken in school

• History of the Middle East
• Folk guitar
• Introduction to HR
• Ballet
• Games (Yeah, seriously. In seventh grade I took a six-week course where I learned to play chess, backgammon, and some other things that I don't remember how to play now)

Five things I miss doing while we are waiting out Covid

• Going for long runs/hikes without a mask
• Putting on makeup, perfume, and cute clothes to go out and meet up with peeps
• In person interviews for jobs, actually. Felt like the ball was really rollin' when those were happening.
• Working out with my trainer
• Visiting KC to eat burnt ends and cheesy corn bake and have Boulevard on draft and squish nephews and have nightly happy hour with Mom and Dad

Five ways in which I've changed since my youth

• I'm much better at getting up in the morning. I'm not grouchy or unkind with those around me, and I become fully functional very quickly.
• I am open to dressing and acting and talking in feminine ways.
• I'm not nearly as willing/committed to going out of my way to make sure that everyone in the room is included and has someone to talk to. I still hate being left out and as a result am very intent on making connections between people and always hoping that my friends will hit it off with each other, but I no longer take it on as my personal responsibility to carry a conversation or babysit people. Also, I'm now super comfortable with silence and don't feel the need to talk to people sitting right next to me; if we're both choosing to simply exist nearby each other without conversation, I don't think we're necessarily being rude or shy or inappropriate in any way. 
• I will actually interact with dogs now, and that was not always the case, believe me. 
• I drink alcohol now. I'm not even sure I was ever at a single party in high school where it was present, and I barely drank in college and even then I waited until I was legal. 

Five ways in which I've remained the same

• I still find cats to be incredible creatures and I still get very excited any time one comes in the room and talk baby talk to it, even and especially if it is the one I have lived with for six years now.
• I still love bright colors and dress in terms of comfort over style, for sure. 
• I'm still "one of the guys." I can be surrounded by men and not bat an eye or feel the need to flirt or be cute. I am equally skilled at joining boys in shop talk as I am at ignoring it (as well as their burping, wrestling and toilet humor). Putting on "I have three brothers" blinders makes for a good life, my friends. :)
• I'm still loud. And hyper. And dramatic (even though I still won't actually admit I am dramatic).
• I still love the written word, and music. 

Five types of cuisine I love (favorite dishes in parentheses)

• Thai (Pad Thai, spring rolls in that light dipping sauce, Massaman curry and pineapple fried rice, please. And anything with that peanut butter-y sauce or dressing, duh.)
• Bar/pub food (shoestring fries w/room temperature ketchup, chicken tenders and honey mustard, tots)
• Chinese (lo mein, cashew chicken, Beijing beef (at Panda, obvi), crab rangoon with hot mustard and sweet and sour sauce, hot & sour soup)
• Indian (chicken tikka masala, chicken korma, lots of basmati rice & chai)
• Italian (pizza, hello. Spaghetti & meatballs, fettucine, ravioli, lasagna, and all the parmesan cheese you can manage. Keep it comin', People). (Ideally this is in a red leather booth with my boo at Pinocchios with cheap glasses of wine, headphones in as we write).

Five things that stress me out when I think about planning a wedding (P.S. Not engaged. No rumors. Ah, whatever, this is quarantine, you're bored. Start rumors, just don't call the tabloids. Unless Bridget Jones is reporting the story, then call the tabloids).

• Picking bridesmaids and bride's boys. I do not repeat do not want to hurt feelings. Left to my own devices I could easily, truly pick 20 of y'all to come up and represent! as my crew, but realistically I'll have to pare it down to like six and. And, I just can't.
• Money. I don't have it. Next.
• Being too in my head reminding myself to enjoy the day that I can't actually enjoy a day in which every single thing in place has been hand selected by moi and, oh yeah, I'm marrying my person.
• DJ set list? I mean what if I'm being so badgered about flowers that I forget to tell Khalid that "Wannabe" and "That's the Way it is" are MANDATORY? Love has come to she who believed it and therefore we must hear the Queen declare it to us ONCE AGAIN. 
• The fact that the Queen most likely will not actually be able to provide her in-person entertainment at the event itself

Five things that excite me when I imagine a wedding (still not engaged)

• Employing my brother and dad to offer their carpentry skills for a theme I have in mind
• Setting the niechews (nieces and nephews) loose to open the ceremony with their own personal dance moves (Two thousand percent this element is more important to me than having an adult bridal party)
• Having it be really small, like teeny weeny, and then spending several months afterward inviting our friends in various cities to meet up with us at pubs to have a bunch of mini receptions
• Getting ready with my girlzzzzzzzzz. And a few of my poor boys who are going to have to put up with our Valley girl fast chatter.
• Wearing my Grams' dress that Mama wore, too.

Five famous authors who I've never read

• Austen
• Twain (And I have been educated in Missouri. I know.)
• Hemingway
• Steinbeck (OK, fine, I've started, and, like, his prose is beautiful, but it cannot be sped read, OK? So I've only really scratched the surface and don't consider myself an actual "reader" yet)
• Tolkien

Five magazines I've had subscriptions to

• Seventeen
• YM
• Essence
• The New Yorker
• Smithsonian

Five places I'd like to visit

• The Wieliczka salt mine in Poland
• The Smokey Mountains
• Tuscany
• Santorini
• This place I found online once in upstate New York that has like all these brick walls half broken down, half emerging from the ground and it looks like a magical outdoor playland where my brothers would have a FIELD DAY. 
• Bonus place: House on the Rock. Been there before but I will go back. I must. And there's a quirky hotel nearby where I need to lodge, plus my brothers and I have a very serious shared dream to go to this attraction during Halloween and scare the pants off ourselves. I will wear a diaper in preparation.

Five things I've never told a therapist

• Ha!
• As if
• I'd reveal that
• here.
• Move along, Nosey.

Five musical artists whose work I love

• This has of course been established but: Céline
• Glen Hansard
• Agnes Obel (new discovery for me. Incredible and one of a kind)
• MØ (and that's not just because someone thought I was Danish at her concert, though that certainly skews my affection)
• Mark Knopfler

Five albums I love

• Dark Side of the Moon, Pink Floyd
• Chesapeake, Rachael Yamagata
• Brothers in Arms, Dire Straits
• By the Way I Forgive You, Brandi Carlile
• The Way I Am, Jennifer Knapp

Five shows I will likely watch over and over for a long time (favorite character in parentheses)

• Felicity (Felicity. Close second place Javier. Close second second place Noel)
• 30 Rock (Tracy, followed by Frank and Angie of course and Grizz and Dotcom and Dr. Spaceman OK this is hard)
• Friends (Joey)
• Friday Night Lights (Tami and Landry)
• Wonderland (Miranda, Harry, Maggie, Rob. And Collette and Dani. I have trouble picking favorites)

Five things that might make me a bad person

• I once broke up with someone on Christmas Eve
• I once told someone I would go to a dance with him and then later told him I wouldn't
• I kind of don't want to vote in November (I more than likely will, but I'm not feelin' real great about it)
• I don't think most puppies are very cute (and even though I'm obviously enamored with all cats, I greatly prefer the full grown kind over the kitten version)
• I used to turn in assignments torn straight from my spiral notebooks (and got real annoyed when my teachers made me cut off the edges first)
• Also I dog ear books. ...Yup....

......anyone still reading or have you all unsubscribed now that you know I'm a monster?

[Even though it doesn't really make someone a monster if they fold over a piece of paper to mark their place. I call that a life tool, not the move of a villain.] 

Might make me a great person/your best friend ever

• I have edited many college essays pro bono
• I have been known to send bouquets of flowers when they are least expected
• Generally speaking, my outfit will usually not match and I will be the one speaking loudest and revealing more personal truths than I should, so if you're with me in a crowd I'm probably going to make you look better/take attention off you if you're not into that.
• I am always willing to painstakingly break down the tiniest of details within a fictional television show world. So if you need to discuss whether Felicity really made the right choice for her love life in the end and discuss how weird those Todd Mulcahy episodes are, I am here for you. 
• I am pretty darn generous, with both tangible belongings and my listening ear and commitment to throwing a party for you. 

My birthday party in the year I turned 14

 

I just showed this picture to Alex over FaceTime and he asked, "Who is that girl sitting right next to you who looks exactly like you?" and also, "Why is she in front of the cake if it's your birthday?"

I then proceeded to tell him about three blonde girls in my past who had at one point or another been mistaken as my sister or straight up twin or straight up me. 

The answer to Alex's first question is: Laura, who was my best friend from church when I was in the eighth grade. This picture is from my 14th birthday party, and I think this was probably the first time that I invited school and church friends to hang out in the same social space, which was pretty revolutionary for me at the time. 

Remember when it was so weird to think about being friends with people outside your grade in school? And how much INSTANTLY cooler a girl was the second she started dating an upperclassman or even got invited by one to a dance? (Now that I think about it, I was actually twice asked to dances by boys one grade ahead of me, but I consider this purely incidental/anecdotal and does not vouch for my coolness or cuteness, I argue). Anyway.

Today I have friends of all ages, including very close friends, who are anywhere for six to 40 years younger or older than me (obviously the 40 years only applies to people older than me, as I do not (yet) have any friends who are negative five years old). I think one of my favorite things about being an adult is that I can completely set aside the notion that I have to be within the same age group of someone in order to have a real connection and relationship with them. So many well outside my decade of high school graduation have provided me with so much enjoyment, camaraderie, safety and comfort. 

Finally to the point of this tangent: I once read in a psychology book that when people start having kids and sending those kids to school, their group of adult friends tend to have less to do with common age between them and more to do with their children's common grades in school. Interesting, eh? I mean, it makes sense, but this is one of those things that I, anyway, wouldn't necessarily think about without a researcher to observe and then tell me about it while I do my summer class homework at a Starbucks after work. 

Ohhhhhhh K. Where were we? Oh yes, Alex's second question: why is Laura sitting in front of the cake and not me? I don't really know, nor did I notice, nor does it really bother me? You know, like in terms of symmetry even? I thought at first maybe it's because my brothers had lit the candles just before the photo was taken, but then I remembered being very interested in my newfound grown up skill of being able and unafraid to light a match at this past point in my life, so it's likely I lit the candles actually, and maybe Laura even helped me. 

So it's an unsolved mystery, People, and one I could care less about but one that caused Alex to ask an immediate question, which just proves once again we are incredibly different people. Seriously I feel like he is the natural journalist given the questions he asks. Not that I ask bad questions when I do reporting, but I definitely ask different ones than he does. Maybe we should team up, travel the world and write for National Geographic.

Nah.

OK moving on. 

***

The picture above is from my birthday party in the year that I turned 14. It may have been taken on my actual 14th birthday, as it was on a Sunday that year and I have in my memory that this party occurred on a Sunday (also that makes perfect sense, as church (and Laura's home) was 30 minutes from our home, so it's very likely that Laura rode home with us after church and then her parents picked her up later).

OK so what do we know so far? It was my 14th birthday party, Laura was sitting next to me, candles were lit. Possibly a Sunday.

And now that we're, I don't know, 1000 words deep into this post and I've told you very few pieces of information you're probably no longer reading but that's OK I'm going to keep typing. But new information is coming now, I promise.

Other people in the picture: my three bros, and my friends Liz and Emily from school. I knew both Liz and Emily primarily through band. We may have had some classes together, but they were lunch buddies definitely and occasional sleepover and Halloween party buddies as well. I remember one time explaining SOH CAH TOA to Emily over the phone and was super impressed with myself for doing so effectively. I'm still really impressed by that, because, how? Guess I do have a knack for making things clear through words, even when they are mathematical concepts. 

My oldest brother was home from college for the summer. My mom was taking the picture, and my dad was in Missouri finishing his first year of seminary schooling. As you can sort of see through the windows behind us, we lived in a beautiful wooded area in Colorado. We hadn't sold our house yet, but within a couple of months we would, and we would move to be with Dad, to a new region, new schools, new jobs. It was not completely easy or completely terrible, and I do have several good memories of that time and a longstanding affection for the area as well. I would consider living there, with its urban/suburban sophistication and brick homes and generous supply of foliage. 

I'm sure there was sparkling grape juice in the goblets. My cake was a football field, because I was a tomboy like whoa. I was wearing the necklace my small group leader at church gave me as a gift the week before when Laura and I were confirmed. I think it had a sunburst with a cross on it, to represent my confirmation verses. Sadly at some point I lost it, but wore it for a good while first. 

Maybe five years ago, my small group leader was in LA visiting her son, and I went to meet up with them. We had wine before the son's play, then went to a diner afterward. I met his wife that night, and later discovered that both of them know Alex through the acting/sketch comedy world. About two years ago they showed up at a party I was at, and I had no idea they knew the host, so when they walked through the door I freaked out and immediately texted my siblings that our childhood friend was on the same patio as me. 

***

My 14th birthday party was notably smaller than those of prior and several future years. I don't fully remember why, but if I had to guess I would think that one of the factors driving that choice was because I was going through a season where I felt kind of left out from some things and groups at school, and honestly probably felt like maybe some attention within one group was shifting away from me and more to other people. I'm not proud of this attitude, and I also don't discredit my feelings from the time. It's very hard to remember the details of 20 year old memories, but I remember feeling very sad and hurt and depressed to a degree, probably, because of shifting social dynamics. So I think it's likely that I decided to invite just a few people who I felt safe and happy with at the time, and I'm proud of Past Bailey for honoring her feelings and the needs of her heart. That was probably a very pivotal moment for me to step into such agency and really helped set me up for many good things in my future ahead. 

Other random things I remember from that day: 

I think we played basketball with the hoop in the driveway. We pretended to smoke the birthday candles as if they were cigarettes, which we thought was very funny and original and fun. I think one of my gal pals gave me some silver cake batter lip gloss from Bath & Body Works, and it was very exciting to see it frost my face and smell its yumminess. Metallic lip color was very on brand for the late 90s, even if I was a tomboy and hardly wore makeup beyond watermelon Lip Smackers. 

Hold up, I (obviously) just googled this to see if it's still available for purchase, and you mean to tell me that it's Lip SMACKER, SINGULAR?

!?!?!

Gonna pretend my whole youth has not just been put into question based on this new fact, so that we can wrap up this post. 

Was it ALWAYS Smacker, just the one Smacker not more than one Smacker? (I guess this is promoting monogamy among young people if we're subliminally asking them to land on one partner to plant a smacker on? But even then they should be allowed multiple smackers with the one partner, yes?).

I really cannot with this. I'm gonna need some time. 

Also doesn't seem the gloss is available for sale. Sad. 

OK for real let's wrap this up. 

My parents still have that kitchen table. It lived in storage during our jaunt in St. Louis, but he's still kickin' in KC. 

Laura made the volleyball team that year at school (much cooler and more athletic than I), and her family got a pool table for the basement. We frequently hung out after church at her house, playing SkipBo and watching MTV I think. Her dog was named Cody, I think, and she and I had a joint confirmation party. 

Liz, a tiny person, played a very large tuba and was quite good and made the local honor band more than once I think. One of the rooms in her house had bunkbeds in the closet for storage reasons, I think, but at my request we most definitely slept in them once. 

Emily was a dancer and I called her on a Friday between commercials telling her to quick, turn on ABC and watch 20/20* because they were doing an interview about her topic for our research papers in English. She was full of spunk and kindness and always quick to laugh. 

*The good ol' days, with Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters and John Stossel and yes I watched every week after Sabrina and Corey and Topanga.

***

To sum up, this picture was taken in the last few months of a time that I remember with great fondness overall. For five years my family lived in a gorgeous area, we had a hot tub at our house, loved our church and pastor and youth pastor and small group friends. I was good in school and enjoyed my teachers and assignments. I loved going to middle school dances and usually led the others in dancing without concern for how they looked while doing so. Hopefully they grew to feel good while dancing just however they wanted to dance, because frankly I really just wanted them to have a good time like I was having. And hopefully they still like to dance now, if just around the island in the kitchen while we wait out a pandemic. 

Xo,
Me at 14