Giving thanks for a beautiful life

I should (maybe, probably) be sleeping. Well, maybe not. If the body and mind are awake, it's for a reason, no? Ha. Tell that to my insomniatic self six years ago, when her life was particularly hard. That Bailey might have punched this current Bailey in the face for being so calm and casual about middle of the night awakeness.

It's 3:08 a.m.

(Maybe, probably) I should be sleeping.

I'm not sure what woke me up, but since I roused from slumber I've checked my phone, scrolled Facebook, snuggled on Max until he gently closed his teeth on my hand to say, "No no. We're done with that for now." I took a pee break and he took a chow break and now he's once again smashed against me, warming my left leg this time, and all is as it should be in the cat realm of life.

I grabbed my computer, intending to make a list of all the packing and chores I need to tackle before getting on a plane in 17 hours, but instead I turned on some peaceful Sarah Jarosz tunes and decided to write about what's been on my mind since Friday at 5 a.m., when my phone rang and my brother was at the other end of the line. The thing that's put me on a plane at the last minute, scrapping my plans to do nothing on Thanksgiving, here in LA, and now has me instead signed up to make sweet potatoes in a kitchen crammed with my siblings and their wives, trying to make sure Mom gets some rest and doesn't cook all the things for us.

***

A beautiful lady left us this week, and I'm feeling a little hollow.

I was her only granddaughter, and for the last year and some months, she was my only living grandmother.

She spent her last days surrounded by family and friends, who read her Psalms and rubbed her back, teased her about her crooked nose, and sang her hymns as she exited this life for the next. Selfishly I wish I had been there. I'm still dealing with that, and may be dealing for some time. I know not to feel guilty, and will probably be admonished by several not to feel as such, but right now I feel a little sad and weird about not being nearer to her the last four and a half years.

When I first left for college, my grandma told my older brother that she didn't have a hard time when he left for college, but that she was really going to miss me. I think that's kind of funny, of course, and also curious. Why grieve my leaving town? Ever since, when I have moved away from her, for graduate school, and later for this faraway land called Los Angeles, I have felt a twinge of guilt for being away. Now maybe more than ever. I realize now it's too late to feel guilty, inappropriate maybe, and yet.

***

A friend of mine recently posted on social media how once upon a time, she was so in love with her nuclear family, that she couldn't imagine welcoming another person in her life who she could possibly love so much as them. There wasn't extra room in her heart, she thought. She was proved wrong when she fell in love with her husband, she wrote. Her heart made room for him.

She had similar feelings for ushering a baby into her life -- where would she possibly find room in that oh-so-full heart of hers to love another? Just recently she had a daughter, and she says she's made room.

"The heart adjusts," she says.

I suppose my heart will adjust to these feelings of guilt, and eventually, hopefully, they will go away. Meanwhile, when I'm not feeling guilty, or hollow, I'm trying to focus on all the great things about my sweet Grandma.

***

My Grams, like all of us, did not lead a life without struggle. She never had a lot of money, worked hard as a farmer's wife, and she was preceded in death by a daughter and a grandson. For a good portion of her life, she suffered several physical ailments, chiefly severe back pain as a result of the most severe case of scoliosis I've ever seen.

Sure, occasionally she dropped the mask and expressed pain, but mostly she just smiled sweetly at us and enjoyed our company. I'm glad she had so many people to love on her, because if anyone deserved it, it was her.

Grandma developed a skill for basketball in her youth, and became so good at it that she was on her high school team. The school, located in rural Kansas, was far enough from her home that, given the snowy winter months, caused her to live with a family in town so that she could play the sport she loved. She told me once how terribly homesick she was during that time, like Amy in Little Women, away from her three older sisters. Of course Grandma wasn't in Europe like Amy was, but when we miss family we might as well be, right? Missing people we love knows no distance on a map.

Grandma's penchant for basketball was not exhausted on the courts of Troy, Kansas, and she went on to make the team at what is arguably the best basketball college in the nation: the University of Kansas. The famed "Phog" Allen was her gym teacher. She held onto her white basketball shorts all these years, and I have dibs on them if my brothers don't get to them first.

Grandma had the good sense, of course, to love a person more than a sport, and married her childhood sweetheart, Ken, leaving college and basketball behind. I wasn't there, but knowing her I'd say she did this willingly, happy to help on the farm and raise a family with the one she loved.

Even though she retired from playing, Grandma never stopped watching basketball, but let's just set the record straight and say that Grams' idea of "watching" basketball meant turning it off as soon as her team fell behind by, oh, two points. She couldn't handle seeing the Jayhawks not at their best, so devoted was she.

(For this reason I will be ever grateful to her for not writing me out of her life when I decided to go to school at her rival school, the University of Missouri. I reminded her that they paid for my education, in other words I was taking their money. She seemed assuaged with this, that smug, precious smile lighting up her eyes.)

After raising two girls, Donna and Jill, and later welcoming in six grandchildren and three great grandchildren, Grandma finally, in 1999, had to say goodbye to her husband of more than 50 years. She never stopped missing him, I don't think, but being a soldier for pressing on, she found ways to plow forward. After Grandpa's death, Grandma toyed with the idea of going back to college. Her alma maters, KU and a community college, said they would honor her previous credits, and with that Grams was headed to the bookstore, purchasing her first round of textbooks.

For several years, she would sit at her kitchen table and, with her left hand, underline passages in her history books. Though she wasn't a big fan, she begrudgingly used the computer my parents got her to hammer out her papers. Her favorite professor was a kind, quiet man with a ponytail, and one of her favorite students would frequently buy her coffee and place it on her desk before class. She didn't mind looking out of place on the Missouri Western campus; she had a job to do and didn't let anything stop her.

About six credits from the finish line, however, she told us of her academic pursuits, "This is silly." We all chorused in response that she was absolutely going to see this goal to the end, if for no other reason than we needed a reason to hoot and holler at a graduation ceremony, an admitted hobby of the noisy Brewer family. She plodded through those last semesters, only very seldom missing class due to inclement weather, and moments before my 80-year-old grandmother crossed the stage to get her diploma, I told my brother, "I'm so excited I'm going to throw up."

"You need to calm down," he told me.

"Geraldine Benitz," the announcer read her name, and as she took her time walking in her robe to claim her prize, we screamed and rang bells from the stands. It remains to this day my favorite graduation ceremony I've ever attended, and I doubt another will ever surpass it.

After college, we ribbed Grandma about getting a job, but slowly, we watched her slow down instead. She kept her spunk for another 11 years, still watching the Jayhawks shoot hoops and the Royals sling home runs. I believe she took a nap during game seven of the 2015 World Series, but I know she woke up to see her beloved team claim victory.

Last month when I talked to her on the phone, I asked how she felt about the Cubs being in the running this year. Having no sympathy for the underdogs of Chicago, she said, "I wish it were the Royals."

Grandma rekindled a friendship with a man named Franklin, who took her on her first date in her youth. Both widowed, they were grateful to find each other again, and they often talked on the phone at night, commentating on the games on their respective TVs.

She was visited frequently by family and friends in the area, and occasionally by rambunctious great grandchildren (and rambunctious, adult grandchildren) who visited from out of town. She played the piano, listened to big band music, and attended Bible studies. Though it made her sad, she moved out of her home to an apartment, and later to an assisted living facility. My parents set the bar extremely high in their care for her, making her room cozy and adorned with pictures, taking her to doctor's appointments, buying her warm socks and nagging her to use her walker.

Well, we all nagged her about that. Oh, to nag her one more time.

Grandma requested a drone for what would be her last Christmas with us, and she was gifted with one. Sadly, the powers that be at her residence rained on her technological parade, and told her she was not allowed to fly it on campus. She kept it in a box, though, and showed it off proudly when she had guests.

When Donald Trump ran for president, Grandma said she'd move to Cuba if he won. The day following the election, Mom brought her a suitcase with a tag affixed that read "Cuba or bust." Grandma instructed her to put it in the hallway, for all in her Red state to see. Mom of course obliged.

***

Grams has been gone for two days, and I keep thinking about the big things, like her graduation, but mostly my mind is caught up in the little things.

How she always pushed fudge or some other sweet on us. When I spent a spring break with her in high school, and she taught me to drive in the school parking lot. I remember, for who knows what reason, that Mom and I drove to see her one autumn. I remember I was reading Harry Potter in the car, and when we arrived, we were chatting with her in the kitchen, and Grandma waved fruit flies away from some pears.

It's things like the wave of her hand that I'll miss, simply because I can't see it anymore.

The heart adjusts, my friend says. She was talking about adjustment for more love to enter in, but I suppose that applies to making room for some grief to take up residence in our chests.

Right now I'm in a bit of bewilderment, in disbelief, that I really never get to see that soft, wrinkled hand gesture as Grandma talks. I know that I'm getting on a plane tonight, and I know the reason for my visit home, but my heart is being reluctant to adjust.

My brother posted a video to Facebook today, of Grams playing the piano, her great granddaughter at her side, and a baby James sidling up to press some keys. Grams shoulders jumped up and down in jovial laughter.

I believe that we will see Grams again. I don't know if we'll recognize each other then, but I know it won't matter at that point.

I'm grateful that she's now laughing and maybe playing a piano somewhere for some veterans, like she did this side of glory. I know and trust that my heart will adjust, to holidays without Grandma, to the fact that her number will be saved in my phone but that I won't dial it. 

I am sad that when I get off a plane tonight, there will be no detour from the airport to see a sweet lady.

A sweet lady who would be under an afghan, calling from her bed to "Come in!" A lady who would set aside her crossword and slowly sit up to greet us. Kind and loving, just like always. Setting aside her crossword and her pain, to just welcome us in.

Our hearts will adjust, but I predict it will be a long journey. For she loved us in so many ways, and we must heal and adjust as we miss each one.

The schedule of a madwoman (me)

 

Dearest Friends,

 

If you're wondering why this extroverted social butterfly who loves to over schedule

 

SOMETIMES GETS STRESSED OUT,

 

[especially during October/November/December],

 

it's because of what I will list below.

 

This weekend has so many potential activities that I had to write them all down, so that I can pick them apart and decide which ones to actually attend, and insert time to breathe.

 

Ready? Here it is:

 

***

 

Weekend plans/possibilities:

Friday:

8 pm – Drinks for A’s birthday

Saturday:

3:30 pm – A’s sketch show

6 pm – K’s Franksgiving

6:30 – Pie fundraiser, R’s church

7 pm – bowling for A’s birthday

7:30 – C’s birthday party

Sunday:

All day – Disneyland w/ J, J, V, & A

10:15 – help with prayers at church

12:30 – young adult Friendsgiving

8 – S's album release party

9:30 – karaoke with M, J, and maybe A

***

 

Are you still with me, or did you pass out from sympathy stress sometime around Saturday?

 

This coming weekend comes on the heels of a weekend spent driving five hours north, completing a half marathon, catching up with friends, and driving five hours south.

 

This coming weekend will be followed by: a Monday lunch meeting, a three day work week (with an important twice-a-year deadline and a large meeting all included, no charge), a freelance interview accompanied by an hour drive each way, Christmas-movie-watching with friends, a 5K, possibly hosting someone for Thanksgiving, and, OH YEAH, Thanksgiving itself.

 

And did I mention I have a (different) freelance piece due in December, and an application for graduate school due in December? And, OH YEAH, Christmas?????????

 

I have problems. And I probably need someone to slap me when I say, "Sure! I'll join you for/help you with that."

 

Friends, do me a favor, K? Breathe. Don't over schedule. Schedule time to smooch your pet. To read. To spend enough time at home so that your laundry pile does not equal laundry MOUNTAIN and so you can actually use your kitchen to, ya know, cook once in a while.

 

XOXO (and don't be offended when I can't squeeze in plans with you), 

Me 

 

A race revelation

 

I don't know when inflatable T-Rex body suits became a thing in our culture, but I'm ever grateful that they did.

 

I mean it.

 

I have spent many a gleeful moment the last several months, watching T-Rexes practice ballet, frolic along the beach, complete the American Ninja Warrior course. I simply delight in the silliness of it, particularly in a year when we have all needed much distraction from violence and a little spring in our slumped step.

 

This weekend a T-Rex gave me a high five.

 

Well, a low five. I imagine the reaching power in those suits is limited, so I did a little side-angle clapping of our palms, not asking the giant lizard to raise his claws high in the air for me.

 

I encountered this T-Rex in a tunnel slightly southeast of Cannery Row. Normally a dinosaur in a dark space might startle me a bit, but I was surrounded by hundreds of runners, and Rihanna's "We Found Love" was pumping through the underpass, so I was feeling pretty stoked and not like I was trapped in Jurassic Park with Jeff Goldblum.

 

(Although if I must be trapped somewhere, to be with Mr. Goldblum would be rather pleasant, I'd venture).

 

I was walk-jogging in the Half Marathon on Monterey Bay, and my T-Rex moment was one of the highest for me along the course. (I then stopped at the top of the hill to remove my long sleeved shirt, and lost some momentum, but it's fine). Admittedly, this here blog post was birthed in the T-Rex moment. It's a special, tingling thing when a blog post is birthed. Other bloggers can attest to this, I'm sure.

 

***

 

Throughout the 13 mile course, I passed several locals sitting on camping chairs outside their homes, on their porches, in their living rooms. I envied them their coffee, but their presence gave me power to pass them by, toward the aquarium, toward the beach, toward the finish line where my Honey Bee awaited.

 

Some of these friendly strangers cheered me on by name, and each time I wondered how they knew to call me Bailey. I then remembered that "Bailey" was emblazoned on my race bib, and that it's printed there for the sole purpose that strangers can cheer runners on. By name. And oh, what a powerful thing to be called by name.

 

The white letters on my black bib were there so that strangers could, for one magical day, erase their status as strangers.

 

***

 

I first learned the power of names on race bibs when my incredible brother ran his first of many marathons, years ago. I was a sophomore in college, and I took the train with his friends into Chicago and watched for my brother in his orange shirt throughout the day, screaming wildly every time he came into view, so proud and amazed at the feat he was tackling.

 

While waiting for him to show up at various points along the race course, I also cheered for people I had never met, people I will never encounter again.

 

"Go Judy! Woooooooooo!" I let my voice ring out in the city streets, causing ears around me, no doubt, to ring.

 

"Lookin' good, Jose! Keep it up, Mary!"

 

I enjoyed the funny signs that spectators held up ("I'm not wearing any underwear"), and marveled at people who were willing to wear, say, a chicken suit for their 26 mile jaunt.

 

To be honest, after years of cheering on growing numbers of my family members in races (for my brother's first race inspired countless other Brewers to literally follow in his footsteps), I grew somewhat weary of the annual tribal trek to Chicago, and took a small break. But when my 65-year-old father was due to run his 10th marathon, I bought a plane ticket to Chi Town to surprise him. I knew where I needed to be.

 

And on that original fateful day in 2004, I fell in love with cheering from the sidelines of a race.

 

Now, 12 years later, as I have taken on my own (less ambitious, HALF marathons), I am still grateful for the T-Rexes and humans who choose to offer support to a bunch of strangers, on a chilly, foggy morning when they could be in bed.

 

***

 

Around mile 4 of this past weekend's race, a man near me started joking with his friend, suggesting that the friend buy an expensive home we were passing by, so that he could live there rent free.

 

Me, being the obnoxious extrovert that I am, said I'd like to get in on that deal. "I can eat macaroni for lunch everyday," I ribbed, already planning to survive on a minimal income for when I quit my job and live in the expensive house and write my books.

 

This man (read: instant new best friend for the day) launched into a description of the gourmet mac and cheese that he is capable of cooking, and, well what can I say? That was enough for me to decide that I should stick with him.

 

And stick together we did, for seven miles.

 

Larry, Brian (the friend who's in charge of buying the home), and I jogged, then walked, then jogged, then walked, and did a whole lot of talking (Brian's more of a listener, to be honest), as waves crashed in the near distance.

 

Larry and Brian, with their persistent bouts of jogging, as well as keeping track of our pace -- with this thing called a watch that some normal humans use, helped me shave 3 minutes and 15 seconds off my average mile pace. I felt the pain from this increase in speed the following few days, but I was thrilled at the finish line, and encouraged in what I was capable of accomplishing.

 

I let Larry go ahead around mile 11, but he met up with me at the finish line, met Alex, and posed for a picture with me.

 

***

 

I may never see Larry again (though I'd like to keep in touch).

 

But Larry helped me so much, when he didn't have to.

 

Someone dressed in a T-Rex costume and slapped my hand, when he/she didn't have to.

 

High school cheerleaders tied their hair in bows before sunlight appeared, and for several hours rustled pom pons and called me and others by name.

 

"Go Bailey!"

 

I know I started this post by talking about the dinosaur that came out to support athletes this weekend, but it was the kiddoes who really got me emotionally charged up and ready to write this.

 

There weren't a lot of kids on the sidelines, but there were enough to inspire me.

 

One little girl sat in a camping chair, the blue canvas nearly swallowing her up. She was pleased as punch to watch people shuffle by. Her dad stood by, chaperoning her wonder.

 

A couple kiddoes, probably 8 or 9, gave me high fives as I passed them near a harbor.

 

And others stood near their parents, their eyes taking in people doing something that's difficult but not impossible.

 

***

 

If I do one thing right as a parent, I've decided, it is this: I will rouse my children before dawn, wrap them in fleece jackets and plop ear muffs on their heads. I will endure their whining about the early wake up call, and buy them cake pops and hot cocoa to ease the pain. Because if kids don't learn that sugar and hot beverages ease pain, then what am I really teaching them that's at all relevant to life?

 

And I will bring them to the sidelines.

 

We will be a family that builds up. We will call strangers by name. We will watch people do a difficult and admirable thing, and be inspired that we can achieve our own difficult and admirable dreams.

 

We will learn that people who pass us by are not necessarily to be feared, that sometimes it will be a stranger who helps us plod along through strenuous miles.

 

And boy oh boy, do I hope we have some room in our budget for a T-Rex costume.

Sorting through that which is racing inside me

When I was 13, Desert Fox happened.

 

I don't know if many of us even remember that event or its name, but I do.

 

I was home alone sometime during those four days or shortly thereafter, and a very loud airplane flew over my family's house.

 

I raced to the basement, crouching by my brother's bed, cowering in fear until the noise stopped.

 

I knew -- from what I had learned in my Current Events class as a seventh grader regarding the danger and complete devastation of nuclear weapons -- that crouching in the basement would not save me, were a bomb actually dropped on our Colorado home in 1998.

 

But I ran to somewhere where I felt a little more safe.

 

I've never told anyone this story, ever.

 

***

 

I unfollowed people on Facebook yesterday.

 

I decided that I can no longer read the texts and emails of certain people in my life right now.

 

Just minutes ago, I posted my email address on Facebook, so that friends can reach out if they need to talk, but announced that I'm taking a break from the social media scene. I watched a video of my cat playing with a hair tie, and a video of a woman dancing some crazy moves at a basketball game. And then I logged out. I'm going to do my best not to log back in, until further notice. I'm not going to share this blog post on Facebook, because if I do I will be tempted to read comments that people might leave in response, and then my eyes will stray and I will read things that make my heart beat out of my chest.

 

And my heart's beating out of my chest anyway, so I can't fuel that fire.

 

The people I'm avoiding, and unfollowing, are people who voted like me. People who have the same terrifying fears as I. Because I can't face my fears. I can't have them voiced out loud and hear or read them.

 

I can't. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

 

***

 

I make no apologies for what I'm saying here, and I'm not apologizing for getting "political."

 

In part, because I feel like everything I'm discussing here is not political. I'm simply discussing fears I have, and that is nothing new for this blog. I've gone to some pretty dark corners with you all before; I'm just continuing that journey. I need to get some thoughts out right now, and I feel I owe you, as the writer that I am, my honesty.

 

***

 

I raced to my "basement" here in LA yesterday. After work, I drove to Alex.

 

It took me several minutes to calm down, even upon arriving at his apartment, but I got there. After about 30 minutes, I could breathe and swallow my dinner and not lose myself to panic.

 

I helped him film an audition video, and then watched the different takes and gave my opinion on which one I thought was best.

 

We watched Jimmy Fallon and Kevin Hart ride a roller coaster, and we watched Amy and Andy go through a haunted house, and we laughed so hard.

 

"You snorted," Alex said to me.

 

"I know," I said.

 

***

 

I was in the car for 10 minutes, driving home afterward to feed Max and get some rest, when I started to get scared again.

 

I called Alex. He told me I could come right back to his place if I needed to. I told him I would if I couldn't sleep.

 

I told him that I feel like I need to escape reality right now. The only way to avoid my crippling fear is to watch TV (NOT the news) and read, if I can even concentrate. Which, in the good moments, I can.

 

"Ai'nt nothin' wrong with that, Baby," he said.

 

My love gave me permission to avoid, at least temporarily.

 

I got home and Max met me at the door. My indoor cat made a run for it outside. He climbed the stairs toward the apartments above me. I followed him. Took video. Texted evidence of his adventure to people I love.

 

I corralled him back to the apartment, scooped him up and put dry, meat-infused nuggets into his bowl.

 

I got in bed and read five pages of my book before succumbing to exhaustion.

 

Max slept vigil next to my pillow all night. He helped me feel safe. When I awoke from dreams, I kissed his fur and rested my head on his purring form.

 

***

 

In general right now, I'm scared. Maybe the most scared I've been in my life. (Hard to say exactly, because I've been scared of a lot of things before -- the prospect of harming myself, acts of terrorism, feeling like the devil had a hold of my heart. SCARY stuff.)

 

I'm breathing in this current moment. My chest is not alight with tightness and heat.

 

I don't feel hate for the people in my life who may have voted in a way that I wish they hadn't. The vast majority of people I know are not people who hate. Are not people who will commit hate crimes. Are people who would have the same visceral fear as I if our nation were truly at risk of serious danger.

 

I wish our nation weren't on a two-party system. I don't want to teach my children that one side of the line is right, and the other is wrong. In some ways, yes, I do want to teach them that (Racism: wrong. Hatred: wrong. Violence: wrong).

 

But I know my children will feel nuance.

 

They may want conservative tax regulations but they may have a best friend, like I do, who feels attraction for members of his same sex.

 

They may not know what to do with that. And giving them only two choices in such a frame of mind seems, I guess, unfair.

 

What's more, and more urgent, is that giving them only two choices will make them struggle to communicate with people around them. Make them scared to come home for Thanksgiving, and sit around the table worrying that conversation will lean toward taboo topics.

 

Make them worry that their family may be torn apart. Make them worry that their nation may fall apart. Make them worry that they have no safe place to run, that all they have is the basement that they know won't protect them.

 

***

 

So much more I can say, but I'll stop for now. I'll probably be back, with more thoughts and fears and hopefully peace as life unfolds.

 

I have work to do. I have to get ready for a weekend out of town. Have to get extra food for the cat, have to clean out my car so there's room for me and Alex and our luggage. Have to locate my athletic shoes, so I can walk 13 miles on Sunday.

 

I have to write prayers for church.

 

If you have any requests, for what you'd like my church family to pray for this weekend, let me know. I'll take them into consideration.

 

I love you guys. I hope you can breathe, and eat, and snuggle your kids and pets without being lost to anxiety.

 

I'm here to talk if you need it. I may have to keep my distance, if it proves to be too much for me to handle, but I'll do my best.

 

So much love and peace,

Bailey

Show up and shine.

Speechless, yet so many words inside me.

Paralyzed with fear, yet grappling for a handhold.

I started my work day talking to a Hispanic friend, who held back tears as she told me that her half Hispanic, half black daughter cried all night, realizing realities way too harsh for any young person to ever have to know.

***

As a woman, I am a second class citizen.

Yet I am dripping with white privilege, privilege that I cannot vote away.

I am in debt, yet I am educated. I have had the opportunity to learn, far beyond the minimum amount of learning required by the State.

I don't know what to do with the person that is me, with my womanhood, with my whiteness, with my knowledge. As an (admittedly) pretty self-involved person, I like knowing who I am and what I am to do as that person.

I showed up yesterday; I have a sticker to prove it. But today I feel like I'm waiting for an earthquake. What next? What now?

***

As the results were officially announced last night, I was on stage at karaoke (I watched results at home with the cat and then decided I needed to be with people). I thought it horribly inappropriate to be singing in such a moment, and I was disgusted with myself, to be honest, but as everyone's gaze turned to CNN, I thought that all I could do was keep singing:

"What the world needs now, is love, sweet love."

***

Today a friend called to tell me that she's worried about someone in her life who is inconsolable after the election. I called someone else I know, a licensed therapist, to see if she would guide my friend through today.

We can only get through today at this point. That's all we can ever do. Life has never guaranteed us two days to rub together, but God do I hope we have more days of hope and love ahead.

When I asked my therapist friend if she'd be willing to talk to my other friend, she said, "Of course."

She showed up.

***

When my friend called me today, my heart pounded as she talked. As I thought of other people in my life who I'm worried about.

And I mean truly worried about.

I've always been a little more paranoid than most, when it comes to fearing that people might harm themselves.

But here's the reason why: I've been there. I've been afraid that I might harm myself, so I know that such a thing is real, and not a joke.

I've been in despair. I've been so low that I couldn't see light.

So, yes. I worry. I worry greatly. And I take my friends' phone calls and I refer them to the therapists in my life and I pray and remind people that I will take phone calls at 3 a.m.

And I urge you to be on alert with your friends and loved ones, now and always, for signs that they may be in despair, in the dark.

Be the light. Show up.

***

A few more things and then I'll leave you be.

I won't lie. I'm scared today. More so than I am sad, and I am a whole lot of that. More than anything else I'm feeling today, I'm feeling absolutely terrified for the physical safety of many people, for very many reasons.

But somewhere I am finding strength.

I may finally crumple tonight into the tears that I've been choking back throughout today. But so far, I haven't veered into a panic attack.

After I got off the phone with my friend today, where I was composed and calm and handed out advice like a strong and steady Oprah, I thought, "When is it my turn to have a breakdown?"

I've hesitated to text people today. I fear that if we open our mouths, we'll truly feel the grief. The grief of a nation divided. The grief of...well, just so many things. Too many to name here, without getting into an argument. Which is another thing we grieve.

I have feared today that if I open my mouth, no matter what I say, we'll feel our open wound, with grit poured in and ground around in the flesh.

I'm not ready to really get raw. And I'm usually always game for getting raw.

But on a few occasions today, I've reached out. I've said I'm scared. I've said I can't concentrate on work. I've said I can't be alone tonight, can I come over?

And people have shown up.

Every night Max shows up in my lap. He's in it right now, and his purring motor has shown up, too.

My family has shown up. My friends. Strangers. Educators. Leaders. They've supported me and valued me and loved me.

This week Alex showed up for me in a way that means the world to me. He didn't have to show up and he did and I nearly cried and I counted his presence a miracle.

I KNOW that people in my life will show up. People who voted for Hillary, for Trump, and for those other people whose names, to be honest, I couldn't tell you.

I know that if I get so sad and scared that I feel like jumping off a bridge, SO MANY PEOPLE will claw for me. Will grab me back over the railing. Will hold me as I sob, and will give me the tools and the love to see that I can keep going.

You are good, People. You've shown up before, you showed up for me today, and I know you'll show up again, and not just for me.

There is light in all of you. Please keep it on, nice and bright, and shine it in the corners.

Shine your light under beds; assure the children that there are no monsters.

Shine your light on the streets; don't let people pass your warm body and think they're alone.

Shine your light in your house of worship; read the Torah and break bread and remember that you are small but mighty.

And shine your light on the person nearest you right now. If you can't stand them, give them dignity. If you love them, wrap them up in a long embrace -- if tears come so be it. Let them flow until you can breathe again and then get a glass of water. Or whiskey; your choice.

Late this afternoon I finally cracked up. Not in a I'm-falling-apart way. But in a oh-my-goodness-I'm-laughing way. I didn't fall apart. In laughter I was knit back together.

Tonight I'm getting together with a leader in love. Someone who shines light even when he's in the dark. We're showing up for each other.

To quote the lovely Lauren Daigle, "I will stand my ground. Where hope can be found."

To all of you, who have been light in my life, thank you for showing up. I love you more than I can say.

Votes for Love.

 

I was going to post a picture of my "Votes for Women" mug, but the words wrap too tightly around the cup, and I'm not coordinated enough with the iPhone panoramic to make it happen.

 

But I am drinking out of it.

 

I am drinking Starbucks Christmas blend, because this is America and I can drink Christmas coffee in November and I can drink Starbucks instead of Coffee Bean or Peet's or Caribou (though I love Caribou, they just don't have it in LA, sadly).

***
 

Like many of you, I'm walking with much trepidation today.

My vote is not filled with pride, or excitement, or great expectations.

My vote is laced with fear, and sadness.

I've seen more hate in our nation this year than maybe ever before in my lifetime. I've seen misogyny that I had hoped would be stamped out by now. I knew the embers were still burning, but I didn't realize how hot they still were.

***

Alex and I watched the Bills game last night, and a pretty questionable call just before the half essentially screwed Buffalo from a win in the end.

It was a stressful night for us both, for various reasons, and we both wished Alex's team had won. We walked from the pub, lacking exuberance.

But as I sat there during the game, wanting to chew my fingernails and crumple myself tight like a ball atop my bar stool, I kept telling myself: Bailey, your holding your breath isn't going to turn the next pass into a touchdown.

So I set my breath free from my lungs, and rubbed Alex's back and smooched his soft cheek as the game progressed.

***

Today all I can do is vote, and pray.

I can hold my breath. I can spend all day worrying. But it's not going to affect the outcome of this election.

So my plan is to vote. And to pray.

To smooch the cat. To eat lunch. To hug the people I love.

And when I wake up tomorrow, I'm going to keep on loving.

May we all fill our cups (that can't be photographed due to technical difficulties) with love. With hope. With prayer. With peace. We cannot be so divisive -- it's not helping anyone or anything. And it's wasting time -- and I know we Americans hate to waste time.

May we pour love into our cups, and sip with open ears and open hearts.

See you at the polls. And maybe at karaoke afterward.

Max, leader in rest

Sometimes I wish I could be as carefree as a cat.

Max's biggest concern each day is when the kibble's going to hit the bowl, and he can count on that with quite a bit of regularity, so I doubt he sweats over whether it's going to happen.

Seriously, I should just hibernate each year when October comes rolling in.

Sure, it seems innocent enough, October First.

But before you know it, Bailey's stressing over what to be for Halloween, the time and money put into a costume, all the parties and events....and we haven't even got to Thanksgiving or Christmas.

I'm just one big cranky pants this time of year.

One small thing I can pat myself on the back for is that I've already purchased my airfare for Christmas, which is usually not the case when the calendar reads November 5th.

I started out my day, this quiet Saturday morning, quaintly enough. I rolled awake from my dream that the Kennedys had Dolly Parton in a display case in their home (I promise I don't do recreational drugs), and was quickly greeted by my white-pawed buddy, who made the harrowing journey from the foot of the bed to my admiring face, where he nudged me with his wet nose and pushed my hand against his head.

I picked up one of the books I recently found at Goodwill, and I literally had a smile on my face because the writing is so good.

And then I felt the restlessness creep in.

I tried to ignore it. I thought, I'll regroup, take a quick break, and then settle back into reading.

I made a wholllle pot of coffee.

I got back in bed.

I eyed the book. But I didn't pick it up.

And then the restlessness, the self-shaming, the arresting of the weekend's potential for rest settled in.

I tried to watch Felicity. I tried to get into my Facebook newsfeed. I Sudoku-ed.

But I couldn't figure out which square held the 3 and which one held the 7, so I closed out the browser tab and wandered over here, to where I put words in the universe and hopefully feel better.

***

In eight days I'm supposed to complete a half marathon with two wonderful girlfriends of mine.

I couldn't tell you the last time I exercised. I think it was about three weeks ago.

YIKES!

I haven't touched my mail-in ballot.

I have an hour and a half long interview to transcribe.

Prayers to write for tomorrow (I love doing that, though).

Eight thousand books to read. Yes, they all need to be read. Right. Now.

Meanwhile this is literally Max's stance in life right now:

See what I mean? Care. Free.

By the way, I look forward to all your texts and messages asking me if I'm OK, given my latest blog posts. (I mean that. I appreciate your concern, even if it does make me squirm a little to admit that I'm in a bit of a funk to the point that it makes others concerned. I'm sure you can relate -- we find ourselves comfortable even in being vulnerable, admitting our unease in life, but as soon as someone says they're worried about us, our hackles go up, like we've been spotted in that state which we've already admitted to being in. Which is weird, and I don't know quite why it makes me uneasy. Except that I think, in the way we're willing to criticize ourselves but don't want to hear others' negative opinion of us, we want to only be concerned for our seasons of struggle, but we don't want to cause alarm in others.)

Of course I don't really wish to be a cat. I like my ability to have complex thinking (most of the time). And, sure, I love to sleep, but I love to sleep so that I can be rested to have so much alert time being awake. A cat's schedule is like: munch, munch, back to sleep. Find a new spot in the house to rest, sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep.

My schedule is more like: read, think, make a mess, write, stitch, eat something unhealthy, drink a beer, sing, daydream about reading, daydream about Iowa, swoon over Alex, smooch on Max, sleep for 10 - 12 hours, repeat.

***

Anyway.

I just hate all this stress hijacking my Saturday.

Saturday's my day. No one should be able to hijack it.

So I guess I'm going to do my best to hijack this hijacking and make sure that I enjoy the heck out of today.

I can push my exercise to tomorrow. At the very least, until I find my iPod. And to be frank, I'm not in the mood to search for it currently.

I can, shame free, keep a stack of books next to me, and read read read.

I can clean corners of my room not because I need to, to be a better person, but because it will make me feel more at peace.

And my ballot? Well, I'll get to that. But don't worry, I'm for sure voting.

I've refilled my coffee. It's warm and a little more earthy than I'd like, but hey. It's here.

I don't know if I'm ready to read just yet, but I really would like to keep sitting here in my bed under this cozy blankie. Admiring Max as he, as we type, is searching for his next sleeping arena.

I'm 31 years old. I don't want my Saturdays to be hijacked. I'm too grown up for this. I don't know. That made sense in my head. I guess what I'm trying to say is I've found a million ways to find joy in my adult life, so I should be able to grab hold of this Saturday and make it good, right???

So for now, I'm going to listen to my Garrison Starr (CHECK HER OUT), I'm going to keep my eye on Max, and follow his lead.

Maybe a little less sleeping, since I just clocked 10 or so hours in Dolly Parton-laced slumber. But if anyone on this earth knows how to rest, it's the regal felines.

Lead on, white-pawed one. Lead on. Lead us to rest, away from beating ourselves up for everything we're doing wrong, or not accomplishing at a great enough clip.

May each of you find fuzzy, kitty rest today. Be well, be kind to yourself. (And find some time to fill in that ballot, if you please....)

Xoxo

Closets and words and potential

 

Friends.

 

I hate being stir crazy.

 

I realize it's a total, first world, privileged luxury (privileged luxury: redundant?) to even be stir crazy.

 

Yet here I am, complaining in all my privileged luxury.

 

I can think of approximately 8,000 things I'd like to be doing right now.

 

At the top of that list is that I want to move a shelf that's in a corner of my bedroom into my closet.

 

Then I want to gather my 8 million t-shirts and fold them all just so, and stack them in the cubicle shelf cubbies.

 

Did I mention I have grandiose visions in which I am the ultra-organized heroine who gets a get-it-all-done-in-24-hours montage in a movie? 

 

Well it's true. Real talk. I want Cher's closet, Rory's reading prowess, and Felicity's ability to juggle being pre-med and an artist, having long, then short, then long hair, being loved by Ben and Noel, and squeezing in shifts at Dean & Deluca. Let me say the only thing my college self had in common with her is that I did the long-short-long hair thing, too. No curls, though.

 

Sigh.

 

I must remind myself that my life is a literal, physical mess, because I am beyond spoiled/blessed and so books and clothes and projects and opportunities spill upon my carpet and my bed and my calendar. And I mustn't complain, but instead turn my blessings into praise. (I don't say that to be pious, I say it because I think it's true, and about all I can do to thank the Man Upstairs for making my cup overflow(eth)).

 

***

 

Anyway, so today's one of those days that I can't sit still, yet I can't seem to accomplish anything either.

 

And I hate that place.

 

OK let's talk about something positive. Moving on.

 

***

 

I'm reading a book that I'm kind of obsessed with. It's called "Look Both Ways in the Barrio Blanco."

 

It's about an undocumented Mexican family living in the States and a privileged white woman who befriends them.

 

It's heartbreaking in many ways, it really is. The protagonist knows more adult pains than any kid should have to know -- further, she knows pains that I understand to be true pains that exist in our world but that I, as a privileged white woman, will never actually know. Which is why it's truly heartbreaking.

 

But it's a really intricately woven tale, and I think if youth read it today they'd have such a good base for knowing the reality of stuff that's right under their noses. Or, maybe not under their noses, but just outside their suburbs. So, within sniffing distance, I suppose.

 

I found the book at Goodwill, and I'm tearing through it. I'm going to make sure Jill reads it (she's basically Rory with lighter hair (and more witty), so she'll fit it into her reading schedule), and I'm going to give it to Mom when I see her at Christmas (Mama has Rory reading prowess, too, like whoa. Can you say Walking Dictionary?).

 

***

 

Guys. I'm reading about the Iowa Writers' Workshop, and I'm literally getting tingles on my legs. I want to be a part of that program so badly. Commence wild running of wild imagination. May my future favorite coffee shop be cozy and welcoming to this writer who fidgets a bunch. May I not disturb other customers with my many trips to the bathroom. Here's to many a "meal" consisting of pastries and yogurt.  

 

Bailey, breathe. You're not in yet. You haven't even applied yet. Maybe you should nail down your references first....

 

***

 

So last night I realized a vision and it was great. (I wrote that earlier part about being stir crazy and wanting to move a shelf and fold t-shirts yesterday. Yes, Folks. This is a real, live, two-parter blog post. WHOA.).

 

I moved the aforementioned shelf. I folded t-shirts and sweaters and jeans and tank tops and shorts, and placed them calmly and neatly and prettily in the cubbies.

 

I took things off hangers and folded them and added them to the (calm, hands-folded-in-laps, polite) party on the shelf.

 

I took a smaller shelf out of the closet and put it on the east side of my bed. I filled it with books and stacked some on top. Oh, it looks so cozy and readable and just made me want to stop everything and read the whole shelf right then and there, gobble gobble yum words yum yum!

 

But I powered through. (I do believe that all True Readers are in a constant state of powering through -- we must constantly ignore the books before us and soldier on and actually live life once in a while).

 

I took trash out. I cooked pasta. I called Mom and Dad. I poured more wine. I cleared items off my bed, and -- whoosh -- flung my blanket over its surface and checked the locks and turned off the lights and crawled under that blanket and read Barrio Blanco until my eyes couldn't hold.

 

And then I slept and slept and woke this morning and wanted to read and read, reading often first thing on my mind.

 

But I kissed the cat, turned on Garrison Starr tunes, and pulled on jeans and a hand-me-down top (that was hanging neatly in the closet).

 

And so here I am, feeling like my life is a little less chaotic, knowing my book is waiting for me once life releases me back into the world of words. (I'm cheating, by writing some words right now. I'm always finding a way to get into the world of words. Why do you think I talk so much?)

 

***

 

OK one final thought and then I'll leave you.

 

I'm warning you, this is a final thought that will make me sound like a final narcissist.

 

But, I PROMISE, I'm writing this because I think you talented, beautiful, overachieving people can relate.

 

Have you ever seen "Little Women"? (Admittedly, I loved the book, but it's been so long since I've read it that I don't know if this line I'm about to mention is in the book or not).

 

There's a great scene, where Jo is with Friedrich and several men. Jo speaks up about the right women should have to vote.

 

After making her argument, a man says, "You should have been a lawyer, Miss March."

 

To which she replies: "I should have been a great many things, Mr. Mayer."

 

OK. So for those three of you who are still with me and haven't closed your browser because you think your previous favorite blogger is a totally arrogant prick, who thinks that she herself could be a great many things...

 

I just find comfort in this quote. Not only is it badass and a powerful line for women everywhere, but it calms me when I feel like I'm overcommitting and don't know what to do with my life. I mean, thank GOD that I feel such confidence in my calling as a writer (because it was wandering in the desert before I figured that out), but I still just want to help in so many ways, use my writing skills and use my people skills and whatever.

 

But I KNOW that none of us can do it all (and if we want to get spiritual I think it's a beautiful thing that we're all parts of the body of Christ). BUT. I still have days where I feel lost because I'm not doing all that I can do.

 

Which is where Jo March, blessed Jo March, gives me some peace. As she always can.

 

Have a wonderful weekend, Friends. Remember: you should have been a great many things. Xoxo