I grew up genuinely believing that I didn't care what other people thought of me. And I really, really think that was true. In middle school I would sing Veggie Tales songs, loudly, on my public school bus. My junior year of college a friend of mine said, "look at you wearing pants," I looked at him sideways, then realized, "oh, because I'm not wearing sweatpants?" "Yeah!" he enthusiastically replied in response to the jeans that had hidden in my closet for two years and were now adorning my legs.Okay, I cared what people thought, I of course always want people to like me, duh. We all do. We want guys to think we're hot, we want people to think we're funny, smart, kind. But I decided to be quirky, to eat, wear, say what I wanted, and let other's opinions be an afterthought, not a forethought.
Today, on the other hand, in this 25th year of my life, I have spent more energy worrying what the hell other people think of me. I just talked to four friends and family members on the phone in succession. And all of them were supportive, but each of them gave advice that was somewhat conflicting of the others', which in turn makes me think, they're not all on the same page, so they can't all be on my page, and now we are back at square one, which is Bailey hating her life because she feels like no one is suffering in the exact same way as she is, which is true. "Hating," maybe. Maybe really hating, I'm not completely sure.
My brother Patrick (who just found out he's going to be a daddy!!!!! Yay, my first ever niece or nephew!! He said they went to the doctor today and their baby is the size of a grain of rice. Next week they will hear the heartbeat. So amazing.) told me that he loves me just the way I am, even if I'm not in a relationship, in a career with forward motion, in graduate school. He encouraged me to try and enjoy my life now without missing it. Just today I realized it's almost October; if you shook me awake in the middle of the night and quickly asked me what month it is, I might answer "June." That is how quickly time is passing, and it does break my heart a little bit (or a lot, depending on the moment) that I have passed that time making coffee. I know I have touched lives making that coffee, cheezy as it sounds it's true. I put smiles on faces. But I will always put smiles on faces, and it is about time that I feel like I am affecting the world in a significant way that means something specific to me.
I think most humans share this emotion 75% of the time or more, but I feel like I usually want to be somewhere else, with someone else, doing something else. I don't want to spend my future that way. I've been out of school for three years and I feel like I can't point to anything that I've accomplished. I have quit a graduate program, and quit a job, both of which I feel "proud" of in the sense that I know I needed to leave them and I took a brave step in doing so, but it is bittersweet to see that your past achievements are more or less negative action steps. It's like if your diploma were to say, "BA in Psychology, after switching from Biology to Nursing to Underwater Basket Weaving to...."
As always, I don't mean to depress with these posts, just to be honest and find something for readers to relate. This is my goal, by the way, for graduate school, which I will be attending, especially if you all verbally and often remind me of this with your encouragement. I hope that all of you are able to enjoy your lives right now. If you are frustrated to the point that you don't think it's possible to be any more frustrated, I understand 100%. If you want to be able to escape your over-analyzing of everything, I'm there with you. If you want to have something to work hard on, to finish and to clap the dust off your hands, to pour yourself a glass of celebratory wine--or take a celebratory nap--for a job well done, but feel like you just don't have that specific passion at your disposal right now, I get it. I have considered learning to knit on about a weekly basis lately because I'm thinking maybe that will be it, the key, the activity I have been waiting to discover is my lifelong love. What I need is some hard, satisfying work (which I am so blessed to have a job and it is hard work and I do feel good about being so persistent in going there every day), to trust my unfailing God and friend, the love and encouragement of my friends and family along the way, and right now, some peace and patience. Oh boy, do I need some of that. Praying that all of you have all that and more.
Much love and peace,
The Daily Bailey
Bailey, I'm so excited you're going to be an aunt! Please tell Patrick "Mazel tov" from me. It means "Good luck," but people use it as congratulations - and you need both for parenting.
ReplyDeleteI have found a man in Ghana for you. I told him about you. His name is Eric. He's a good Christian, was working for a bank but now works on poverty though microfinance, and he's from Accra. He might be in the U.S. for grad school!
Wow, congrats on the aunthood! It's an awesome thing, and I know you are going to be a terrific aunt! On the flipside, I will pray that you find more peace in your life...I get the frustration of liking your job, but not feeling like it's making that impact on the world that you want. I too feel like that, as well as feeling that constant desire to be somewhere else or doing something else. Much love and prayers are headed your way! And because I accidentally hit the ctrl + v keys, which pasted this here, enjoy a recipe in the meantime! (Random, but I thought it would make you laugh and it's easier than deleting it) Miss you roomie!
ReplyDeleteARTICHOKE DIP OR SPREAD
8 oz. cream cheese
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1/2 cup sour cream (opt. use low fat)
1 cup parmesan cheese
Garlic powder
1 can artichoke hearts (NOT MARINATED)
Mix and bake 20-30 min @ 350 degree oven.
It's like if your diploma were to say, "BA in Psychology, after switching from Biology to Nursing to Underwater Basket Weaving to...."
ReplyDeleteBut what if they DID say that?? Give our history, our pains, our changes. Wouldnt that be a more wholistic view of who we are, and how we grew throughout our college career? Scratch college career. Life. I would like to think people would be more compassionate with raw emotions just sitting out on the kitchen table like that.
le sigh.
Here's a song about the last British soldier from WWI. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vztj_TnUQyY It's pretty. and it's Radiohead. :)
Lastly, I wish I could eat some of that artichoke dip or spread. One day, one day when supplies of sour cream, real cream cheese and artichoke hearts are at my fingertips...
Was I there for the pants conversation? Because I remember it for some reason, but maybe my brain is playing tricks on me...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I think you should read K-gaard if you ever get a chance (and feel up for a challenge...). It might help you get through the existential crises that pop up every now and then. Not that I want to be one more voice offering advice. ;-)
K-gaard--fear and trembling? i have a copy...
ReplyDelete