Motorcycle diary

Today was one of those mind racing days for me.

Until I took a nap.

Now I feel a little better.

Do you ever have those days where you wonder if you're able to make a decision about anything? And I don't mean "soup or salad," I mean days where you wonder if you're living in the right place, spending time with the right people, in the right job, doing the right activities.

I've discovered some things about myself of late:

1. I beat up on myself a lot. I have a lot of hubris, to be sure, but I can beat up on myself for just about annnnything.

2. I'm not sure I'm confident about a damn thing in my life.

This is uplifting, this foot I've gotten us off on here. Happy holiday weekend, y'all!

Just as soon as I think something is great, or right, or comfy, I start to wonder. It's a lonely, hard-to-explain place to be, though I have a hunch a lot of us are there.

Right now my shirt is semi-soggy with sweat from my long nap. My legs are in a less-than-ideal position, to accommodate for a sleeping cat in my bed. (Not complaining about the cat). The legs are warm, too, because there is a comforter on them. A computer is at an awkward angle on my lap.

As I was driving home from church today -- where I was being recruited to take on a leadership position I'm not sure about, where I was prayed with to consider the position, where I dumped a lot of my life uncertainties on the people trying to recruit me -- there was a guy in front of me in a weird position on his motorcycle.

He was leaning more to one side than the other, casually gripping the steering grip with only one hand.

I immediately thought he was cocky. Gonna get killed if he's not careful.

But then I thought, "He knows what he's doing. He can sense his balance."

And I felt the lack of balance in my life.

I don't say all this to make things sound sad. I have a lot of good things, a lot of great things, in my life right now.

I just feel like they're a little out of control. I legitimately stressed myself out earlier for not having clipped my toenails recently. I mean, they're not crazy long or even embarrassing, but for crying out loud I was beating myself up for spending so much time with people lately that I hadn't clipped my toenails.

I may have been a wee bit sleep deprived while having this thought.

And I may be just a little over-stimulated and haven't had a lot of Bailey time lately.

But a little spiritual crisis is legitimately in the mix there, too. (Toenails have nothing to do with the spiritual crisis, but that is one of the things I was worrying about earlier today -- my lack of faith, my constant questioning of who Jesus was, should I believe in Him, do i believe in Him, etc.)

I haven't showered since yesterday morning. Beat myself up over that.

There is laundry drying on a yoga mat and a beach towel in my apartment. Not drying, it's dry. Not put away. Beat myself up over that.

Not writing or editing full time. Beat myself up over that.

Overthinking time being spent with new person in life. Beat myself up over that.

Blarg, blarg, blarg!

I don't know if it's because I'm an extrovert with self-diagnosed ADD, and so I just keep adding activities and people to my life, or what. Maybe it's this new person who's got me (in a good way) out of sorts.

This has been a downer post.

When I saw the guy on his leaning, Joe Cool motorcycle, I had visions of a beautiful, albeit totally disjointed blog post arising from it.

I recently read from Ann Patchett that what we have in our writing heads are these beautiful stories, like butterflies, and then when we write it all down, it's like a crushed, entomological specimen, like a butterfly getting hit by a car. It's nothing like we visualized in our head. Then we have to work to get it into the beautiful butterfly that it is in our heads.

This blog, if you haven't noticed, is often first drafts (or only drafts), so my apologies if they read like crushed butterflies sometimes.

So I guess my conclusion here is that I could use prayer. I could use hugs. Listening ears. Encouragement to enjoy some Bailey time.

And I guess, in putting this out there, that if you're reading this and thinking "Damn, I beat up on myself too! I can't make a decision about my faith, or love, or work, or lunch," then know that I'm with you.

Here's to a day off. Here's to naps. Here's to napping kitties. Here's to sweet people in our lives who root for us to be happy and content. I wish these things for you, too.

Xo

P.S. This is from when the nugget crawled on me earlier. Praise the Lord that cats can sense when we need affection. He's been keeping close most of the day.