Navigating

Good afternoon, Friends.

Long time, no blog.

I'm not sure I'm really going to use this space and my time to explain my absence, nor will I explore or make promises to you or myself about how many blog posts I'll promise you in the near or distance future, so let's just say for now, right now, I am here. And if you are reading this, you are here and we are here together. 

So welcome back -- to both of us, I suppose -- and I hope each party is uplifted in internet community or whatever through this here little blog post which let's be real will be about some topic or thought(s) that I am yet to determine. 

Please keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times, and buckle your safety belt for whatever's about to happen below. 

***

I drink a lot of mint tea these days -- "tea," rather, as I understand any "herbal" brew without caffeine to be not actually tea but in fact just a good-old-fashioned regular leaf in water. Mint tea used to be one of the varieties I most disliked, as I think I found the understated water to be slightly depressing, or boring. I also think I wrote a blog post about how I came 'round to enjoying mint tea, circa 2010. 

Anyway, that's what I drink now, most afternoons at work. At least one cup, sometimes a second or a third. I like that, being stimulant free, it can't further agitate my proneness to anxiety. I like that, being warm, it brings a touch of coziness, slowness, care and comfort to my space, particularly after I ease back into focused thinking and tasks following my lunch break. I like that it doesn't tend to oversteep and become harsh in flavor the way a well-intentioned pekoe or Earl Grey might. 

I like the somewhat idiosyncratic irony that in being mint it is cool but being brewed in hot water it is also warm in the same sip; I find subtle identity in the cup, recognition of being a strange person with sometimes contradictory opinions and often moody feelings -- as I see my reflected image on the liquid surface I also feel a sort of understood, quiet kinship with this beverage I'm holding that seems to be the same way, with its mind both never quite made up but also VERY made up on certain ideas and wishes and rankings of pop singers.

So what I'm saying is my afternoons get pretty philosophical, OK?

***

I feel left out a lot these days, or left behind, which has been the case for many days, weeks, and months throughout various periods of my life but is certainly not always true. I can point to several times when I have felt very welcomed, celebrated, and gathered both consciously and organically into a friendship fold. 

A lot of the reason for this current season of jealousy and sense of injustice is, frankly, money. The world has become a much more expensive place -- cost of food, drinks, lodging, transportation, rent, retail items, etc. have all gone up considerably in a relatively short period of time. I also think that travel has become more in vogue in the last couple of decades, and has not always been paired with a thoughtful or realistic regard for the fact that travel is a luxury experience. Even on a shoestring, things like airfare are expensive. Airbnbs, hotels, food, gas -- it ain't cheap. Perhaps this is anecdotal, but I have found that the many positives of travel have been preached more and more since my adolescent years and meanwhile the larger conversation in our society about the practicality of visiting Mumbai and Madagascar and Miami has not been adjusted. 

I have made financial decisions in recent years that I have learned from, and I am still learning to re-build tendencies and create new, better habits in that regard. One of the ways I've somewhat improved in my spending is to at least draw a cap on what I deem to be justifiable for purchasing, particularly when it comes to non-essential, big ticket items or excursions. However, making these choices to scale back can lead to feeling left out and left behind. 

In addition to feeling like I can't financially participate in certain things or am not invited to certain things, I also leave myself out of things. I have consciously pulled back from several relationships after my feelings were hurt, either by a brash comment that was made or even by what both I and the person delivering the joke knew full well was a joke -- and I have a pretty good sense of humor, generally. But I'm also pretty damn sensitive, Guys. Too sensitive for my own good, that is for sure.

I've pulled back from people and events, for many reasons including the fear that I might be bored, ignored, jealous, angry, or uncomfortable. I truly did not consider myself to be someone with social anxiety before, but now I catch myself finding lots of excuses not to attend things and then finally realizing I'm sometimes just scared to go. Recently I had to talk myself into going to a birthday party, telling myself it would be good for my general mental health to get out and socialize, reminding myself how wonderful the birthday girl is, and finally telling myself that if I don't start attending events again on some sort of a regular basis then this social anxiety and feeling left out/left behind/generally "other" is only going to get worse. So to this particular most recent party I went, and I made some friends for the night and talked about Dolly Parton and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and coconut water and it wasn't great but it wasn't terrible and I enjoyed my time to an extent. I sipped two non-alcoholic beers, left before midnight, and got up for spin class the next morning, well-rested and not hungover and able to kick some relative ass on the bike, I might add.

***

I've changed a lot, and I spend a lot of my energy trying to reconcile the way I knew myself to be for several decades with the way I feel now. It's hard, upsetting, annoying, and causes a primary theme in my life of feeling discontent on either side of a situation or character trait. 

I find, often, things that used to excite me a good deal -- putting on makeup and a cute outfit, having drinks with friends, getting to know strangers at a party -- no longer give me a reliable dopamine hit or confirmation that some of my best bits of personality and sociability are still life giving. Now, the good side of this is that I can find gratitude in less grand moments of life, when I leave an event where I am wearing makeup and trying to have fun with friends and recognize that I will feel more refreshed the following day because I am in bed reading another chapter rather than ordering another round. 

But ultimately it's still hard to find myself feeling unhappy -- or flat -- in moments and circumstances that used to be fun, and to feel maybe not unhappy in "opposite" situations (e.g., hanging quietly at home, not spending money) but also not real thrilled or excited or joyous, either. It all leaves me feeling kind of Blah and Blegh and I'd prefer to feel like Bailey. 

***

So that's (some of) where I'm at. As always, I love to read and love to smooch on my cat. I have piles of books and a pile of fluff in my home that I can count on for nightly comfort, and -- somehow, by the grace of God -- I still have people who show up in my phone and my email and my socials telling me they love me and like me and that to some extent in their own way they understand some of this stuff I'm going through and that they dislike it for me when I am discontent. 

I am moving forward. I am trying to figure it out. I am trying to figure me out. I am doing a lot of exercising and making sleep a priority and drinking water and giving thanks for my job and coworkers. And apparently: blogging again. Well, for now, People. For today. We'll see what's next. 

Xox,
The Daily Bailey