Life, March 2019.

 

Life, March 2019.

 

Here's what it looks like:

 

An eos egg sits beneath my PC monitor at the office. I smear it over my lips about eight times a day.

 

I've discovered that several magazines are free in a virtual reading format via the LAPL website. I've been enjoying Esquire and O and New York and Seventeen (for memories) and even HGTV magazine when I am in a good place to not get jealous of all the beautifully decorated bedrooms and living spaces.

 

My babiest nephew has curly hair and it makes every picture texted to me that much more amazing and irresistible.

 

As of last night -- and please be mindful this boycott may be lifted in a matter of hours -- I am taking a break from the Amazon Prime show Homecoming, because it makes my heart pound and adds to my general tendency toward nervousness. But it's so good. Shea Whigham's performance is particularly great.

 

I spent yesterday's lunch break reading the first half of a Baby-Sitter's Club novel. I love that I can speed read through it because when I see the characters' names I don't need to reorient myself to who they are: Kristy tomboy, Mary Anne shy, Dawn hippie, Stacey sophisticate, Claudia artist, Mallory bookworm, Jessi dancer. Boom; takes no thinking at all, these are deeply grooved pathways in my brain. These are the sisters who were birthed in the 80s and waited until the late 90s to meet me. They gave me agency and confidence to provide childcare beyond simply getting my brother ready for school, kept me company on road trips. Mama worked at the library, and after school I would comb carefully across the Sitters' shelves, hoping to see the next number in the series not checked out, as I was committed to reading their story in order, following their journey as an honorary member, a baby babysitter in Colorado taking tips from headquarters in Stoneybrook, Connecticut.

 

My friend told me I should throw a party for a milestone in my life and it feels a little egocentric, but I think it's an opportunity to surround myself with people who support me and reboost that spark inside me. Plus she said she's buying cake so how I can I back out?

 

I am trying to spend more time at home, and I am trying to work on one cross stitch project at a time until it is completed, Missy.

 

I'm also working on speaking to myself in kinder tones than this stern Missy language.

 

I wear jewelry nearly every day. This is new. My fidgeting with it and taking it off while at stoplights is not as new.

 

In general anxiety has been my go to fragrance I've been wearing, but I've come so far in recognizing it, handling it, truly believing that it will disappear in time. I've been drinking water without being told by Alex or the internet or Dr. Oz.

 

Still no library fines in several weeks! I am crushing it!

 

As of, well, yesterday, I am trying to resist the knee-jerk habit of buying and eating chips. I think I can ignore them for a while and find solace in cheese and beets and other, less carb-dense-salt-rich-oil-soaked items of nourishment. OK fine maybe cheese is not great for you but this is one step I'm taking, People. We'll revisit cheese later.

 

Sorry. That "People" talk was basically Missy language. My apologies. It must be the chip withdrawal.

 

I don't check my texts and Instagram as frequently as usual and it really makes a marked difference on my levels of agitation, impatience, and discontent.

 

And that's basically my life right now. It's interesting how it changes all the time, separates into seasons that we don't even notice until we've switched into a new one. At present my season is drizzling worry, but the winds blowing in are so peaceful. So very so. Self-esteem is budding out the ends of twigs and my allergies are going crazy but I don't even care because Peace. Calm. Breath. Bright threads of lime are stemming up into flowers of azure across eggshell canvases, while Max snoozes in the purple comforter meadow across our bed. I bring my neon pink scarf with me in case there is a chill, but it remains tucked in my bag, as the days are warm. But why not carry a little color, just in case?

 

Be well, my friends. Feed that anxiety water; she doesn't thrive in humid spaces. Close your eyes and feel your cheekbones soften. Flip through a magazine and admire the thousand-dollar fashions. Snuggle the cat and read an old book; serve yourself memories, and believe in the future.

 

Xox