The facts of life (at this moment)

 

I am (mostly consistently) counting calories and sticking to a daily limit.

 

I am both finding myself jealous of other women's bodies as well as content with my own.

 

If I read for 10 minutes, I will fall asleep.

 

I have zero library fines.

 

Max wakes me up around 6 a.m. each day requesting scritches, and he bumps his head against mine. It takes me a few waking moments to figure out what's going on, but it is the best alarm.

 

Ice cold water is my jam while sitting at my desk during the day. I shiver and refill my bottle and recognize that my behavior is crazy.

 

I am working out with a personal trainer again.

 

My cross stitching activity has decreased, my reading has increased (as has my napping).

 

I got to see my family last week and it reset me in so many ways. Special and precious are they.

 

There are fresh sheets on my bed, which research shows increases the joy of entering slumber about six fold.

 

Four plus years in, Alex and I don't have a song, but we are considering Don't Worry Baby by the Beach Boys and Dire Straits' Romeo & Juliet.

 

I frequently have no idea what I'm doing with my life. At times this feels like a free canvas that is MINE, at others it feels like the GPS of my heart is not available.

 

I feel politically apathetic, and I bet if people knew that they'd be upset.

 

I feel, as I have for the vast vast majority of my life, that probably nothing is in my control. Yes, I can make my own decisions, free will freshman philosophy discussion blah blah, but I don't ever believe that my final call determines the final call, if that makes sense.

 

Michelob Ultra has 2.3g of carbs and this pleaseth me.

 

I believe in time I will complete the LA Times crossword I began a week ago.

 

A large stack of books sits above my bed, and I wondered as I built the tower if they would hurt me while toppling in an earthquake. I did not, however, relocate the pile.

 

I recently sat next to a pilot on a flight to Denver, and his kind, chatty presence helped me tremendously in the face of my air travel anxiety.

 

My five-year-old nephew is fearless in the swimming pool, and I am baffled by this.

 

My parents finally donated my brother and I's trumpet, the one that got lugged through knee deep snow, five days a week from approximately 1994 - 1999.

 

If you sleep on the day bed in Mom and Dad's basement, it is very dark save for a light on the DVD/VCR combo.

 

It is difficult for me to get a lot of protein in my diet. I do not crave it. Minus runny eggs. I do crave a leaky yolk. Even though I think the protein is in the whites? See? Not easy.

 

Others might disagree, but I feel that this summer as a whole has been less oppressive than the last few in LA.

 

I struggle to read or watch anything that is highly or widely recommended, because the pressure is too much.

 

A pair of adorable cross stitch bibs are on my Amazon wish list, but I am refraining from adding them to my cart.

 

I am trying to turn a mental corner with some people in my life who don't seem to take an interest in me. Trying to move forward without resentment and ill will; just recognizing that the connection isn't there, disappointing as it may be.

 

Last night I bought beets and corn, tuna and Spaghettios.

 

I think my Instagram account isn't working properly, as it appears I am losing several followers, and when I add someone as a friend, hours later it looks as if I never requested them.

 

Tonight I could exercise, read, stitch, shower, sleep, or go see a friend who's in town. I couldn't tell you what I will select to do.

 

A friend who I haven't known long but feel quite connected to is on her way back from Europe. I look forward to hikes and happy hours with her (and will resist pouncing on her schedule right away, as she probably needs to get past the jet lag and, I don't know, maybe wants to see her boyfriend first).

 

My mama fixed my pink sweater and I am so joyful.

 

I have gum at home, but I wish I had some on hand to chew right now.

 

It has been warm in LA, and we sweat when we walk, but we walk on our breaks anyway. Because we can, and it is motion, and it is sun.

 

I find myself holding onto clothes rather than getting rid of them. I tend to have a binge-purge/shop-donate pattern about me, and I find that if I just wait a bit I will re-appreciate clothing that I may be tired of now. Also I am trying to be gratefully aware of all that I have and get comfortable with living in that which is already provided.

 

A friend picked her wedding palette, and I am so excited to find a textured dress to wear in the woods as she moves her life forward into a union that is already so full of love.

 

I have no patience when it comes to waiting to plan special events for my people, and I can't wait to celebrate this cutie pie, kind, beautiful bosslady bride.

 

I am shivering as I type this, something Alex would notice before I if he were here by my side. Our companionship is so easy it feels like the sea; calm waves meeting outside a boat, taking shade in her sails. Afternoon warmth glimmering between mast and fabric, sparkling contentment on our heads as we share the silly details of our day. A younger me feared I would grow bored from the simple things, but today's me says this off-menu item was exactly what I meant to order. And to this I say thank you.