I'm gonna be honest with you. This is not how I expected to feel at the end of my first year of journalism school. I mean I don't know that I thought about how I'd feel specifically, but I don't think I expected this.
My self-esteem is kind of in the toilet. I feel like the continual cycle of stress is strangling my playful demeanor. People around me are getting internships and I'm going to spend my summer raking articles for misplaced commas and hanging participles. I don't even know if there is a hanging participle in that last sentence, because I don't even know what those are.
That doesn't help my self-esteem. I don't even have the excessive grammar knowledge going for me.
I have to turn in the grades for my students Friday, and my summer class starts 11 days later. I will spend four of the next 13 days on a car trip. I'm even harboring the stress of my cat, who will have to accompany me on two of those car trips, and he hates the car.
I don't want such a downer post to frighten you guys, but I aim to be honest with my writing. So there you have it. At this moment in time, 1:02a.m., CST, May 11, 2011, I don't feel like an accomplished journalist or writer. I hope that a year from now I can feel the opposite.
I think I made the right decision in coming here, I just thought the ride would be a little more fun.
I know it's not about me, but MAN is it hard not to want better circumstances in this jealous, vulnerable human skin we wear.
Well, silver-lining to the car trip is that you get you see your family, and WE LOVE YOU! I, for one, can't wait to spend time with MY SISTER! (And since I made her, I feel like I can speak for Belle too... She also is excited to see her AUNTIE BAILEY!) LOVE YOU! Chin up!
ReplyDeleteSorry your first year has left you feeling so sad and exhausted! My first year of grad school was pretty similar--it was harder and more stressful than I could ever have imagined. Constantly comparing your performance with others, seeking to get praise and recognition, all the while trying to stay afloat in classwork...it's overwhelming! But I want you to know (from my experience) that it gets better. You will get more confident, you will feel like you know what you're doing. It won't be an overnight transformation (I'm still working on this, and I've been in grad school for 4 years), but you'll get there. I promise, you'll get there!
ReplyDeleteIf it's any consolation, I'm not having any fun at all in my nursing program. Wait, let me rephrase that....my nursing program is NOT fun. Which can make me not fun. I have to keep remembering that fun is where I make it. I have to remember to be irreverent, light hearted, and to enjoy the people around me. Trust me, I can feel just like you feel (and I often do) but it's a slippery slope, my friend. If you start to feel sorry for yourself, then everything starts to feel dismal. I know cuz I do it often. Now, go play Bruno Mars "The Lazy Song" and you'll feel better. :)
ReplyDeleteSigh...I have had educational moments such as these. Hang in there.
ReplyDelete