Monday, April 15, 2013

Lies my Taxes told me (2013 Edition)

Congratulations! You've filed your taxes. Now let's review what we've learned from this year's experience before we head into the misery of next year's filing.

1. A 1099-MISC form will do two things for you:
       a) Take your money.
       b) Lead you to come up with 1,099 miscellaneous reasons why you hate the 1099-MISC form.

2. Even your longtime and trusted friend, TurboTax, can let you down, and make you want to break things.

3. Starting taxes early will still land you at the post office after dark on April 15. Future generations of America, listen to me. All that stuff you're hearing about procrastination being bad, preparation being responsible: forget it! For several years past I have started my taxes dangerously close to April 15. And every year I have survived. This year I started in February and it has been hands down the most stressful tax season of my life so far.

4. Buying ice cream and taking it out for dinner--I mean, calling it "dinner"--when you're finally, finally done, takes the edge off.

5. So much, in fact, that you have to enjoy that hot fudge sundae right there in the parking lot before you even head home from the drive-thru.

6. So very much, in fact, that when this song:

comes on the radio, while you're sitting in your car wearing a portion of your outfit from the workday and a portion from your wardrobe's pajama department, enjoying that sundae, you can't listen to it at a decibel that is normal for your Corolla, but rather must turn it up loud enough to supply sound to, oh, a school bus.

7. So very, very much, that when two men walk by your car, they smile and chuckle at the fact that there is some crazy person in the McDonald's parking lot whose car is rattling from insanely loud 60s music.

8. So very, very, very much, that when they pass your car and keep looking over their shoulders curiously (but obviously still very much amused), you:

        a) wave. And
        b) say, "Don't even care!" through a wide open trap filled with delicious fudgy ice cream that will not ask you questions about your filing status (Single! Stupid IRS, why have you not committed this to memory?!).

I mean, SERIOUSLY, how irresistible does that song become 1:15 minutes in? Pretty damn irresistible, that's how much. In a hundred years when I get married, we'll be dancing to it. Get ready. But not too ready, that's in a hundred years.

I'm not even kidding, I let that song play twice just now, and I am literally still bobbing back and forth while typing this.

Which makes it hard to type.

But not impossible.

....Several minutes later after I have proofread and edited this post, I am STILL bobbing around.

And now I've thrown in a finger snap.


  1. I have a bad case of Filing Envy; I filed an extension.

    1. I considered filing for one myself...

  2. I'm bobbing right now to that song :)