Tuesday, February 6, 2018

An open letter to my high school

 
Dear Alma Mater,
 
High school wasn't my favorite time or place.
 
I felt the force of a creative, funny, confident girl somewhere in the tissue of my body, but in the halls you walk today the true version of me made only a rare appearance. Mostly she felt somehow invisible and glaringly out of place, all at once. So she tried to lay low, hoping that someone would notice the best parts of her and respond to them.
 
***
 
I called my mom this weekend, and after I finished bragging about my 85 degree weather out here in California, she told me about you guys.
 
Needless to say, the conversation dimmed in tone, as we sunk into the quiet of tragic truths.
 
Let me say first, to the parents, siblings, and friends of those who were recently lost, you have my love, my prayers, and my firm belief that every future holds hope.
 
To the teachers who take their tireless stance in front of dry erase boards each morning: you will always be among my favorite group of people in the world, and your investment in me has enhanced my life in ways that will hold me forever grateful. You are invaluable light.
 
But this letter is mostly to you, the students of my high school, present and future.

When I attended your/our school, the Twin Towers came down. We were reading "In Cold Blood" at the time for English class, and this piece of literature didn't exactly restore my faith in humanity. FYI: there are a lot of gruesome books out there, but I promise there are about a billion others that will put a smile on your face. I know this because I spent a lot of my time in high school visiting the library. My social calendar was pretty sparse, so I often turned to words for warmth.

I vividly remember turning the pages of a novel after school during my senior year, ultimately needing to set it down because my tears were blurring the paragraphs before me. The book was happy, but I was not.

I didn't recognize depression by its name, this being our first encounter, but I certainly felt her unforgiving grip.

Later that semester I became extremely ill, and I am convinced to this day it was my emotions' way of saying, "Something's gotta give."

I was out of school for a week, and I watched my mom cry in response to a very frightening (mis)diagnosis from the doctor. Each hour as I slept a palm would pause on my forehead, checking for fever.

When I returned to classes, my self-conscious figure sidled into calculus, where something happened that I never saw coming. Fifteen years later, my memory has yet to scrap it.

Morgan, a very well-liked girl with friends to spare, shouted, "Bailey!" and slid out of her desk to stand up and wrap me in a real, unrushed hug.

It was in that moment I realized I had been present during my absence. In a time in my life when I thought none of my peers noticed me, I was proven wrong.

And oh how beautiful it can be to be wrong.

***

When I was released from Morgan's hug, I was held in a new attitude. I thought to myself, "College will be here in nine months, so let's try and make the best of this opening act."

And suddenly I could see.

I could see Nate, sneaking ice cream into English class, bribing our teacher out of a tardy slip.

I could see Corie, who looked out for me and could quote "Friends" as readily as I.

I could see Katie, giggling on her living room floor as we gobbled trail mix and our pencils scratched out derivatives and limitations.
 
I could see that one teacher (maybe he's still there) who would yell, with empty hands, "Hot coffee!" and clear himself a path through a gaggle of teens.
 
I could see all the people who were doing their best. I could see that I wasn't necessarily being ignored by my classmates, but perhaps I was too timid to raise my gaze and meet their eyes.
 
***
 
I know how busy you all are, and right now your daily agenda probably holds to-dos such as "Grieve," "Wonder why this happened," and "Just move forward."
 
I certainly don't want to add to your plate, but I do have one tiny assignment for you, and I give it to you because I care about you, though we may never meet.
 
So here it is, are you ready?
 
Find your Jell-O.
 
I know, I know. You were hoping I was going to say "Let loose and take a break." Well in a way I am saying that.
 
When I was in your shoes, in your locker room, in your stairwells, thumbing your textbooks and numbing my bum on those ice-cold football bleachers, there was one thing that was constant in my Monday to Friday.
 
No matter what the menu in the cafeteria, I always ordered a side of Jell-O. Red when I was interested in flavor, green when I was chasing after levity.
 
The Jell-O was cut into cubes, piled in sticky stacks in plastic bowls, and (now this is very important, so pay attention:) topped with a little flower of whipped cream.
 
Ever interested in fairness, I divvied up that floret with the tip of my spoon and made sure each cube received a smear of dairy before popping each block into my mouth.
 
High school wasn't all bad, of course. I laughed at teachers' antics and read some great books and enjoyed the occasional day off thanks to a Kansas ice storm. And of course there was Jell-O. I could count on that gelatin at every lunch hour, often saved it for last. Because it was something to savor.
 
There are plenty of things to savor during this time in your life, sometimes you just have to search for them.
 
***
 
You, my friends, are the Cougars. By nature you are solitary creatures. But please don't let isolation be your way.
 
There are so many of you and you're each so. incredibly. special. So get to know each other while you can; don't wait 'til graduation. Talk to each other.
 
If you're hurting, tell someone, anyone.
 
If you're feeling fine, reach out to just one person who maybe seems too afraid to speak first.
 
And ALL Y'ALL:
 
Find your Jell-O!
 
Join the choir. Volunteer. Help build a set for the play. Or spend Saturday night working on extra credit, if that's your jam. I highly recommend Mrs. Koenigsdorf's creative writing class -- what a great space to find your voice.
 
High school will not be forever. Nothing will, including how you're feeling right this moment. These four years don't have to be your celebrity season in the sun, but you deserve a ray of joy regardless.
 
So find something that makes you happy, revel in it, and revel again. Try your absolute hardest to forget about what others think of your preferred hobby and instead just get into that mode where you can't see or hear or feel anyone else's judgment because you're too lost in what makes you tick. (But look up every now and then; there may be a new friend nearby).

I know firsthand how scary it can be to be yourself. But take it from someone who tried navigating life without herself -- advertising the truth is a lot less work and the only way that flirts with freedom.
 
Raise those banners to the fore. I can't wait to see how you're going to better this world.
 
All my love,
Bailey

Friday, February 2, 2018

Things that do and don't stir up my stress

 
Things that stress me out
 
Being out late -- in general, but particularly on a school night
 
Beads on clothing
 
Caption contests -- I feel like as a writer I should be good at this, but I don't think I am
 
Fighting/feisty disagreement/confrontation
 
Events that happen infrequently (like when I host my annual birthday celebration), in which I put too much pressure on myself to have the best time. Then I try to balance it by not having expectations, and the whole thing just becomes a messy back-and-forth battle of my own wills.
 
When people in an audience speak loud enough to overpower a performer/speaker
 
Contemplating how airplanes work, and flying
 
Riding the subway in Los Angeles
 
Grocery shopping. Ack. Hate it.
 
When someone wants to, like, legit ballroom/swing/salsa dance with me. I stick to freestyle, buddy, and my feet only move so fast.
 
Dogs' inability to sit still/not interact
 
Being on cruise ships
 
Related: the movie Titanic
 
Hiking
 
When my many different friends, all of whom I love dearly, don't mesh with each other (see: birthday parties)
 
The sheer amount of books in the world
 
Things in the universe (including the universe itself) that are really big or really small
 
Feeling like I have to watch a movie or play a game when I'd rather just mix and mingle. What? I really love to mix and mingle.
 
When someone I love is really upset and I can't help him or her feel better
 
Not having something in my car or bag to read
 
Being cold
 
Slow-moving lines
 
Things that don't stress me out
 
Dishes in the sink
 
Toilet paper not placed on the dispenser (as long as it's within reach of the commode, I'm good, people)
 
Getting up early
 
Going basically anywhere in public by myself -- restaurants, bars, movie theaters, etc.
 
When people leave a used K-cup in the machine
 
Dancing, singing, or speaking in public (OK speaking is sometimes stressful, but I still love it)
 
Chatting with strangers, up to and including if the discussion goes deep
 
Cats' attitudes/sudden decisions that they need space
 
In some regards: writing. While of course this vocation has its share of true stress, I feel like in general I enjoy writing way more than the average person, and I'm not always overwhelmed by a blank screen and a blinking cursor.
 
Society's expectation that people be fashionable when in the presence of others -- meh.
 
When friendships fizzle out simply because of distance and time. As someone who moved a bunch growing up, and as an extrovert who's bound to meet more people than I can keep up with anyway, I just see this as a part of life. Sure, I look back and think fondly of people in my past, but I don't worry that I did something wrong or, furthermore, whether I'll ever see them again. I believe that God has a way of circling people back into my life when I need them.
 
Standing room only concerts -- I actually prefer them
 
When people cry
 
Doing laundry (not being caught up on piles of laundry is another story)
 
Talking openly about intense emotions
 
Silence in between bits of conversation/Quiet people
 
Being an impromptu social director
 
Hot weather
 
Long lines (that move at a reasonable pace)
 
***
 
Your turn: what does (or doesn't) stress you out?

Good things that graced my January

 
Zero library fines accrued (if you're a Brewer, you understand that this is an achievement)
 
Lunchtime library visits to pick up books on hold and peruse the YA section for additional treats
 
Didn't have to pack a suitcase or board an airplane
 
Spent lots of time cross stitching an adorable Winnie the Pooh pattern
 
Got reacquainted with my excessively large collection of rom com DVDs
 
Two very long walks -- just me, Pandora, and suburban sidewalks
 
My nephew did not grow out of his fat phase, and for this I am thankful
 
Communed with several talented artists at an open mic at one of my favorite bars
 
Happy hour date with Cat
 
Dinner date with Debbie
 
Writing date with Steph
 
Read "Milo" and "The Manny Files," two beautiful, hilarious books that together deserve 10 stars
 
Bought tickets to an Echosmith show, and validated my purchase as their songs made me smile
 
Reached my 1,000 minute meditation milestone with Headspace
 
Topanga shared this picture with the world
 
Did occasional yoga with a coworker during lunch, and giggled and breathed
 
Had some "shred" sessions at the gym, where pop music pushed me along the treadmill
 
Went to an outdoor baby shower where the weather was A+ perfect -- only in L.A.
 
My honey's Bills went to the playoffs
 
Sat with Chels during church
 
Wore a party hat at Alex's birthday and received warm greetings from strangers
 
Great conversation about writing, during which I was encouraged as an author
 
Lots of silly, sometimes ranty phone conversations with Nick
 
Got invited to a book club, to be hosted by a girl I adore
 
Listened to "Fight Song" approximately 13 times (at least)
 
Took myself out for chicken korma, and considered crashing the wedding next door in my jean jacket
 
Ate three PB&J's in one day
 
Bought the new Glen Hansard album
 
Gushed over the writing of a fantastic columnist
 
Found a robot tote bag, LEGO paper plates, and dry scalp shampoo for $1 a pop
 
Attended a bowling birthday fete and a bingo birthday celebration in the same weekend
 
Fuller House announced a fourth season
 
(Though I am yet to view), One Day at a Time dropped a new season of episodes
 
Got to be a first-time-pet-owner coach to a friend who was approved to adopt a fluffy rescue cat
 
Some friends went on vacation to Florida, and I felt like an honorary traveler thanks to text updates
 
Got to be a reader, writer, friend, daughter, sister, partner, feline lover, and a person in this life