Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Accepting applications for a boyfriend

I'm accepting applications for a boyfriend.

Long distance need not apply.

I actually don't have time to review applications, so you might as well just go straight for the big, CLEARLY MESSAGED grand gesture. (You guys kind of suck at this, by the way, as a group. Just say, "I like you." "Let's hang out." "You're hot." Pick one and use it. I'm not asking to marry you, I just want to talk to you. You know, like our parents and grandparents did once upon a time when the world knew how to actually date).

This is actually less for romantic desires at this point and more for my own physical health and personal sanity. Let me show you how this is true. A boyfriend could:

Clean my car. Because I'm not doing that. I hate driving around with the piles and piles of sh*t (not literal, calm down) in the back seat, front seat, floorboards. HATE. But guess what, Peeps? I don't have time.

Boyfriend could also: tell me he thinks I'm pretty. But he better mean it. Otherwise don't offer me empty lip service. Speaking of, he could:

Offer smooches. We're talking very brief make out sessions, because did I mention I'm exhausted and constantly in my car, at work, on a treadmill (training for a race, not sadistically adding activity to my schedule), at the grocery store, or in bed?

[Note: I'm SO not complaining about having a job. I really like my job, feel appreciated, and love HAVING a job.]

Boy could also: hold my hand. Because I like doing that. But he'd have to do this only in the car, because holding hands while treadmilling just wouldn't work, let's be honest, and I'd feel uncomfortable hiding him under my desk at work.

But he'd have to clean my car first. Really, cleaning the car should be job number one. Followed very quickly by telling me how pretty I am.

I really had a whole list of how this would help my physical and mental health, but am forgetting....

Oh! He could go to the grocery store for me. Actually, this could be perfect. He could drop me off at the gym, take my (now clean) car, purchase groceries, pick me up, tell me how beautiful I am not to mention how my sweat smells like lilies, hand feed me (if he likes - that's optional. He could also hold my hand while I eat, because while I'm not interested in treadmill hand holding, I think I could manage eating with the one hand. I don't think this. I know this, with my very colorful resume of drive-thru-eating-while-driving history).

He could also fetch me candy whenever I want candy, which isn't too often these days, so he needn't worry about being too burdened with this task. It's in the "as assigned" category.

And lunch at work. Be really great if he could supply that. I could even put him on my checking account so he wouldn't have to ask for my debit card (though he should be buying, because, well, I want him to) all the time, but he would have to set up that joint checking account because I'm sure not doing that.

Oh, he could deposit my paychecks, too.

Now, you might be thinking, Bailey, you just want a glorified errand boy.

Well, no.

He needs to listen, too. He needs to do a LOT of that, and I wouldn't expect or ask that of an errand boy. Because that's just unethical and probably not within union guidelines.

And I could tell him that he's pretty, too, I'm charitable in that way.

I just need a listener, preferably handsome, who's very good at making sure I am always fed, my car is not disgusting, offers stories and/or lullabies at bedtime, and lets me kiss him for about 2 minutes a day.

I'm not asking for a lot. I'm convinced that millions of women everywhere have this, I just wasn't offered that particular coupon/offer/special at the boyfriend store.

OK, fine, I never made it to the boyfriend store in the first place. The directions to get there are likely buried under clothes, trash, a fresh bottle of Zyrtec, some bananas, empty coffee cups, my

Whoever can find directions to the boyfriend store first will be given very high standing in the boyfriend screening process!!!! Come on, boys, WHAT are you waiting for?! Don't I sound lovely and not demanding nor completely and utterly exhausted? Don't I sound like a non-emotional mess who would be just delightful to speak with?

Did I mention I'm willing to make out?

But only for two minutes. I'm busy, guys. And I really need to have my mouth free for venting and emotional processing so that you can do all that listening I'm hiring - I mean, dating - you to do.


  1. Hahahaha!!! Sorry, I am long distance or I could submit an application. Do you have a pdf or word doc for filling out?

    1. totally not that organized :) i will accept crayon written on napkin.

    2. sorry, I had you paused and grabbed a snack -the napkin has finger-shaped cheese smudges

  2. Hi Bailey. My friend Dave Housholder, an ELCA pastor, leads an atypical and apostolic church in LA called Robinwood, and it's mostly young adults and he thought you might find some successful applicants there :-)

  3. good luck. not that u need it. I like your ideas. whenever I ever liked someone all I could think is they could never like me; that would just be too good of a deal.. why can't anything just turn out well, miss baily