Oh this Crazy Life

You know that "How are you Feeling Today?" poster? Well today I'm writing in my own little emotional vote: Neurotic.

I just folded my underwear, friends. I'm pretty sure I haven't done that since I was 12, and even then it didn't last long, because I knew it was over the top.

I am just slowly coming to realize that I have not allowed myself to be even the slightest bit high maintenance since I was about, well, 12. In other words, I haven't allowed myself to make anything inconvenient for others, and unfortunately in the meantime I have often made things inconvenient for myself.

So I'm letting myself fold my underwear. I'm allowing myself to be a little neurotic. Because you know what? As much as I hate high maintenance(-ness?), I think that as humans we all need to possess it to a small, healthy degree. Healthy, people, meaning asking for 1/2 of a Splenda packet in your latte is taking it TOO FAR!! Ahem, I mean...

But really, this is huge for me, you need to understand. And I will not be surprised if I talk myself out of this in a couple of weeks, so you as my friends need to keep an eye on me. It is your responsibility to make sure I am taking care of myself and not eating fruit snacks for meals because I'm scheduling my social life in a way that interferes with my basic nutrition (although please note I might snap at you because I am in my 20s only the one time and beer and nachos really make a fine dining choice on occasion).

Growing up my family moved three times by the time I graduated high school. This made me 100% able to make friends, and has made me who I am and has grafted me to my family for life in a way that I will never want to trade in. But. I have tried to let other people's schedules and priorities interfere with mine. I wouldn't say I've allowed my values to be compromised, in fact I would argue those are stronger as a result, but at some point I just said, "oh well, I'll just do whatever's easier for everyone else." It's not that I don't have opinions (see what I mean, this back and forth talk? Neurotic. It should have been on the original poster).

Basically what I'm trying to say is that when you're 16 and your dad becomes a pastor and moves you for the 3rd time, you think, "I understand that this is the right thing, and that God's hand is obviously on this, and there's nothing I can do to change it. And besides, I'd miss my family if I didn't tag along with them to Kansas." But the problem is I've let that carry over to an unhealthy level. It hasn't been entirely negative in the shaping of my character, but it's time to start taking care of myself. Having some confidence not only in my own opinions, which I have practice at, but in my own ability to create motion in my own life, and the world.

Thank you to all of you for your continued support.* Keep it up, my awesome friends (seriously). And I will try to do the same for you.

*(Particular shout outs to Braden, Nick, and Sarah this evening. And Riley, for putting milk in the fridge. And Lorri and Phil, for providing the last of their milk before Riley replenished our supply.)

Hard Day

There are days in my life when my social skills just flee me. Scratch that. Perhaps the skills are still with me, I just choose to ignore their presence and my ability to use them.

There are times, like today (and this entire past week), where my heart is so very on my sleeve you can see it beating. And it's a grumpy heart. It's an annoyed heart that doesn't want to listen, it just wants to whine, and yell, and it sort of wants to be heard but it also wants people to go away. It is moody. It has had too much time with people and needs to hibernate.

It worries, it wants to cry but is too stressed to create tears. It tries to read, watch TV. It phones a friend, leaves a message, the friend calls back and now it has changed its mind that it really wants to talk to the friend. It loves the friend, but can't be a good friend in return at the moment.


It goes to work and sees other hearts hurting. This sends a message to the gut that says, "now we are more tense, and dinner will just be an option at this point; we don't feel like digesting." The heart reacts properly in the presence of others' distress, and does the right thing amidst its own stuff. So apparently it is still working, still capable of loving. It sighs. It knows this too shall pass, it just has to accept the fact that it can only beat so fast. It can race at moments, but that doesn't usually mean getting ahead.