Oh this Crazy Life

You know that "How are you Feeling Today?" poster? Well today I'm writing in my own little emotional vote: Neurotic.

I just folded my underwear, friends. I'm pretty sure I haven't done that since I was 12, and even then it didn't last long, because I knew it was over the top.

I am just slowly coming to realize that I have not allowed myself to be even the slightest bit high maintenance since I was about, well, 12. In other words, I haven't allowed myself to make anything inconvenient for others, and unfortunately in the meantime I have often made things inconvenient for myself.

So I'm letting myself fold my underwear. I'm allowing myself to be a little neurotic. Because you know what? As much as I hate high maintenance(-ness?), I think that as humans we all need to possess it to a small, healthy degree. Healthy, people, meaning asking for 1/2 of a Splenda packet in your latte is taking it TOO FAR!! Ahem, I mean...

But really, this is huge for me, you need to understand. And I will not be surprised if I talk myself out of this in a couple of weeks, so you as my friends need to keep an eye on me. It is your responsibility to make sure I am taking care of myself and not eating fruit snacks for meals because I'm scheduling my social life in a way that interferes with my basic nutrition (although please note I might snap at you because I am in my 20s only the one time and beer and nachos really make a fine dining choice on occasion).

Growing up my family moved three times by the time I graduated high school. This made me 100% able to make friends, and has made me who I am and has grafted me to my family for life in a way that I will never want to trade in. But. I have tried to let other people's schedules and priorities interfere with mine. I wouldn't say I've allowed my values to be compromised, in fact I would argue those are stronger as a result, but at some point I just said, "oh well, I'll just do whatever's easier for everyone else." It's not that I don't have opinions (see what I mean, this back and forth talk? Neurotic. It should have been on the original poster).

Basically what I'm trying to say is that when you're 16 and your dad becomes a pastor and moves you for the 3rd time, you think, "I understand that this is the right thing, and that God's hand is obviously on this, and there's nothing I can do to change it. And besides, I'd miss my family if I didn't tag along with them to Kansas." But the problem is I've let that carry over to an unhealthy level. It hasn't been entirely negative in the shaping of my character, but it's time to start taking care of myself. Having some confidence not only in my own opinions, which I have practice at, but in my own ability to create motion in my own life, and the world.

Thank you to all of you for your continued support.* Keep it up, my awesome friends (seriously). And I will try to do the same for you.

*(Particular shout outs to Braden, Nick, and Sarah this evening. And Riley, for putting milk in the fridge. And Lorri and Phil, for providing the last of their milk before Riley replenished our supply.)

Do Re Mi, ABC, 123, Baby You and Me Girl

Inevitably all friends eventually discuss their idiosyncrasies together.

My friend Corie has to have the volume on the television at a level divisible by 5. So, you know, the green notches that appear when you adjust the volume, have to be at 10, 15, 20, etc.

I have discovered (not discovered, maybe decided to embrace and admit to myself and to you privileged others) that when I watch TV I immediately turn to channel 23. That in itself is not weird at all. I think everyone has their preferred channel. The kicker is that then I proceed in, I kid you not, this exact order:

23, 24, 25, 26, 27

99, 98, 77

64

53, 52, 51, 50, 49

43, 42

(quickly through 41 and 40 to get to)

39, 38, 37

then to

3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12

and then back to 23.

It's like a really messed up version of Do Re Mi. I showed this to my mom the other night and she didn't bat an eye; she thought I was totally normal.

Pillow Prayers

I am listening to Foo Fighters at 6 am.

That is because I did not sleep last night. Again. I finally gave up at 5 and got out of bed. This is the second time in 1 week that I haven't slept all night. I also just realized that I haven't eaten more than 2 little pieces of pizza and half a donut since around noon yesterday. You know when my neighbors say they worry about me, I usually roll my eyes, but sometimes I think they have a point.

In other news, Michael Jackson. Go ahead and judge me if you have strong opinions on the matter, but I am super sad about this. I don't care who you are, premature death is always going to cut me straight in the heart. Heath Ledger, Natasha Richardson, I still think about them and just have to stop in my tracks for a moment to fathom God's timing, His hugeness, His control, not ours.

I said a few real hard prayers this morning before deciding to call it quits in the snooze department, telling God I don't understand why he allows me to be deprived of sleep sometimes but asking me to trust Him. I know that probably sounds ridiculous to some of you, but guys, some days that is all I know. I guess I'd just rather go through it all, the sleepless nights, the angry days following, with someone else in charge. I never have been (to my knowledge) much of a control freak. Which works to my advantage, I think, in the believing in God department.

I am what we call an ENFP, for those of you Myers Briggs fans, which means I am extroverted, intuitive, feeling, and perceiving. For those of you who are not fellow M.B. freaks like me, ENFPs (along with other personalities, I won't steal all the thunder here) have a pretty rough go of it sometimes. For instance, our minds will not. shut. off. sometimes and we can't sleep. Then, because we're extroverts and friendly and addicted to people (yet here's the catch: we need time alone), our friends see us the next day and treat us normally. [Oh good, Bubbly Bailey's here, let's chat about her earrings, or the book she's reading, she's always so excited to chat.] So we have to be friendly in return, yet I'm not going to lie to you guys--we're gritting our teeth on those days, trying to keep it together, praying for a return to bed. And you know what's funny, just hilarious? Sometimes when you are free to return to that bed, after 36 hours of awakeness, you're not gonna believe this but it's true: you still can't fall asleep. Because you have new things to think about first.

I remember being in high school Sunday School class and we were talking about silence as a spiritual discipline. I asked, "what's that like?," and my youth director gave me a look of grave concern. Which is comforting at the age of 17.

So, my point (something ENFPs don't usually have nor feel the need to have, btw). While on the surface we may seem all together and happy-go-lucky, there is a lot going on under the surface there. Constant brainstorming, meditating, rethinking, evaluating relationships, examining of self. So go easy on the ENFPs, please.

Also, I hope this brief little bit of insight into my brain helps you understand why I have conversations with God at 3 am about sleep, instead of world peace, war, politics, issues of the church. Sometimes there is enough turmoil and dialogue in my head alone that I don't have room for the rest of the world. Which is why I pray for stillness, and silence. I pray you all receive the same.

I get overwhelmed trying to understand all the nooks and crannies of the whole Bible, so I often just hang out in the Psalms, where it's poetic and musical and cushy:

"Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)

Differences

It amazes me that there are ENFPs (Extroverted INtuitive Feeling Perceptive on the Myers-Briggs personality indicator) and OCDs (so-called "obsessive compulsives," type A personalities, control freaks) all in the same world. Why there can't be balance baffles me. I can't seem to accomplish any one task because my mind is so distracted all the time and so prone to leisure, while I have friends who can't seem to enjoy their cup of coffee if there is a crumb on the table in front of them. Amazing. Frustrating. Sometimes just downright funny, but today, frustrating. I want some of what they've got (the ability to finish my chores), and they want some of what I've got (the ability to not sweat the small stuff, to enjoy the moment). I guess I shouldn't insult God's creation, because I do believe His creation is beautiful and amazing, but I'm human, I can't help but ask questions.