Weight loss diary #1

I ate cake at a baby shower today.

Four years ago this wouldn't have been noteworthy.

A year ago this wouldn't have been noteworthy.

But here I find myself, trying to lose weight. I've ballooned up before, unwittingly, and then before I really knew I had gained any weight (because my family and friends were kind enough not to point out my new physique), I had people commenting on how skinny I was, alerting me that somehow I must have gained weight because then I somehow lost it.

I'm not sure when exactly I gained the bulk of it, but I've gained about 30 pounds during the four years I've lived in Los Angeles.

I'm not counting today's cake as a failure. It was there, there were grapes as an alternative, but I went for the cake. I didn't feel too terrible about it.

I had oatmeal with fruits and nuts for breakfast, washed it down with black coffee. For lunch I had a turkey sandwich on wheat bread, Diet Coke. After work I took a giant bottle of water to the pool -- IN MY BIKINI, even though I don't love my bikini bod right now -- and did approximately 24 minutes of activity.

I swam like a frog, I swam "normally" (no goggles, so my head was above water, so not exactly great form, but it was something of a freestyle stroke). I treaded water. I jogged in the shallow end.

Then I came inside, drank more water, and threw various things into a plastic container:

"power greens"
quinoa, cooked yesterday in bouillon broth
pecan pieces
peppers
carrots

I poured some balsamic vinaigrette on it and ate it up while watching Bunheads.

I actually enjoyed eating it.

I feel a little bit calm. Not frenzied, or like I should be doing, or want to be doing five things at once.

Yesterday around this time I was pretty grumpy. I wanted a beer. I wanted pizza or something similar.

Instead I put some quinoa in a pot, and while it bubbled under a lid I journaled. I wrote about my grumpiness, I typed out what I had eaten that day. I ate the dry quinoa, smacking my tongue against my mouth's roof, grumpy, bored, but fine. Living.

I finished up and started stitching, while Alex wrote nearby.

I got sleepy.

I went to bed.

A half hour later Alex woke me up.

I went back to stitching, then Alex left.

Then I went to bed for real.

I survived the quinoa humdrum. And I made it to and through today, where the worst thing I ate was cake.

For a brief moment I actually felt soothed in the water this evening, going back and forth, making waves, easy motion with my arms, almost forgetting my legs (except for when I do that weird kick thing with my left leg, what's that about?).

Now I sit here in dry clothes, with wet hair, and Max cat is lying completely on his back. I think he's hot.

Here I am. A little more plush than I'd like to be.

But I still like me.

I have the best cat. The best boyfriend. I love to laugh. I love music. Love to write, to stitch, to hug my girlfriends and support them and remind them they're beautiful, curves or no.

I'm not real thrilled about being on a journey that requires effort, but a lot of the coolest things I've done in life have required a little bit of courage and oomph.

Studying abroad halfway across the world. Exploring Vienna on my own. Moving to Los Angeles. Walking through the doors of that bar to go on my first date with Alex (he wasn't scary, I was just a timid dater).

Now if you'll excuse me I have a cat to smooch. And I need to rinse off this chlorine. Get into my jim jams and enjoy my evening. Avoiding cake but not hating myself.

Xoxoxo to all of you, no matter your size. You are wonderful and just the way you're meant to be.

Why I fly the rainbow flag

My boyfriend and I can go anywhere we want, anywhere in the world, and no one will look at us sideways. He can grab my hand and I can hold it easily for blocks and blocks. I can take his face in my hands, leisurely gaze at him, and then let my lips rest on his for as long as I want. It may be unwelcome by some, but it is nothing that will make a national headline or cause party lines to divide.

I fly the rainbow flag for those who have to keep their hands to themselves on city streets.

I have never laid awake at night, fearing that my romantic feelings for someone are something I can't comfortably talk about with people, even those closest to me.

I fly the rainbow flag for the ones who will lie awake tonight.

I have never had to plan, for years of my life, how I would tell my family that I felt attraction to a certain portion of the population.

I fly the rainbow flag for those who think: "Maybe tomorrow I will tell them."

I've never been called a really terrible, derogatory name.

I fly the rainbow flag for those who have been called anything too awful to type here.

I can dress however I want and comfortably make conversation with others. I don't have to feel like others are measuring my outfit, hair, or makeup choices and gossiping about my perceived sexuality as a result.

I fly the rainbow flag for those who have to think too deeply about their wardrobe.

I don't have to spend most of my time socializing with other people who share my sexual orientation in order to feel most at ease. I can go to any bar, gay or straight, and be comfortable and, moreover, accepted.

I fly the rainbow flag for those who feel like they can only go to LGBTQ friendly clubs, and I fly it because many of them probably don't even feel safe going to those places anymore.

While I dressed "boyishly" in my youth, and have sometimes wished I didn't have a menstrual period or have desired the freedoms and privileges of men, I have never actually wanted to be male. I have always been comfortable in my own skin.

I fly the rainbow flag for those who, by no choice of their own, feel like something should be different about their bodies or appearance.

When friends came out to me, or shared feelings of being unsure about their sexuality, I was the one who had the easy job -- all I had to do was listen. I didn't have to speak great big giant words, wondering how they would be received.

I fly the rainbow flag for them. They were, are, so brave.

I am not here to say what is right or wrong, what should be voted "yes" or "no" in November.

I just know that I have never had the struggles of someone who has a less than popular sexual attraction within them, or who wishes a different gender upon themselves. I will never know their specific, aching pain.

I fly the flag because I have had it so easy, and so many others have had to suffer.

Jet lag journal

I'd like to do all the things right now.

Eat.

Clean.

Unpack.

Assemble all the souvenirs in one spot and take a picture of my efforts to buoy Europe's economy. (I did darn good, with over 25 refrigerator magnets purchased).

I am jet lagged......

Max (Max!) is next to me licking his pretty fur. We're happy to be reunited -- though when I picked him up at the sitter he seemed pretty comfortable and not exactly aching to go home. Which makes me happy that he was so happy and content for a week while I was away.

I took a Benadryl, I'm hoping it can knock me out for the next four hours until I need to get up and shower before work.

I didn't feel so much exhausted this morning as I did like I was on Jupiter. Things seemed literally blurry, and I felt confused and like I was slurring my words. So, I guess I felt like I was drunk.

Now I'm wide awake, and thinking about Katy Perry.

I think my feet are swollen. Still.

God, I had such a great time. Memories are just swirling through my brain, and my inner dialogue is going something like this:

"Remember this?!"

"Remember that?!"

"I need to write this all down!!!"

Don't worry, an official recap blog post is in the works. So far it's in the notes stage, but I'll get it done and posted for the "masses."

All righty, time to pet the cat and try and sleep.

Much loves,
Bailey

Bored on a plane

Remember that time I was flying...and flying...and flying.....?!

Bored.

I'm not complaining -- I mean, I obviously am -- but I'm not because I just finished up a WEEK in EUROPE!!!!

So it was awesome.

But currently I want off this plane. My flight anxiety is very low this moment (could be the Xanax), so that's fantastic. But I'm so tired and can't sleep in this chair.

Anyway.

I would fill you in on my Europa trip right now, but I want to be more witty and less cranky when I write it.

I've taken some notes, though, so I can remember the highlights. Because we did a LOT, and all my days are running together, so I need to remember what exactly I did each day, more or less.

Remember that time I was bored on the plane.

That's what they should have called the movie. Forget snakes.

Bored on a Plane.

Done. I'll get to gettin' on the screenplay.

FORTY FOUR MINUTES left????!!!! How is this possible??????? [Pulls down her bottom eyelids and makes face to show the world she is miserable].

They guy next to me keeps nodding off, doing that thing where his face leans forward and jerks back up. Poor guy. See, people?! He needs a bed, too! No more chairs! No more flying today! No mas! No danka!

Blaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.

OK bye. I go surf Facebook now. Which, in other words, is back to life as Bailey knows it. Facebook, cross stitch, snuggle the cat, smooch on Alex, repeat the cycle. It's not always jetsetting around Europe for this one.

Byesies!

Auf wiedersehen!

Danube blessings

I can literally feel and hear the Danube river sloshing as I type this.

I hope I don't wake Abby, as we are in the same bed.

Anyway, after flying 11 hours -- and then another 2 -- today, I am thinking I might have a real issue with motion. I went on a cruise to Mexico in February, and had a full on anxiety attack on the boat because it was rocking so much.

Today, I let the man next to me on the plane know that I might grab his arm if I couldn't handle the turbulence on our short flight from Paris to Budapest.

In any case, let me tell you the positives of today.

#1, I SURVIVED the 11 hour flight from LA to Paris. Yay!

#2, I sat next to a South African on the flight. This makes me happy, because I've been to RSA.

#3, at dinner tonight on our cruise ship, not only were Abby and I in nearly matching outfits, we sat at a table with TWO MORE SOUTH AFRICANS.

And now, as I CRASH after being awake for approximately 30 hours, let me leave you with this. This is what I journaled on my 11 hour flight to Paris (I am a nervous flyer). A bientot:

"6.5.2016

5:49 a.m. Paris time

I am on a plane. Eek!

More than halfway there, though, I think………………..

I’m so excited to meet up with abby.

I miss alex. I mean, I don’t know if I actually miss him that much, but I just thought about him.

I’m sleepy, but I can’t really sleep on planes. I took a Benadryl, though, and had 2 glasses of wine, to calm myself down. It’s sort of working.

It’s weird, I don’t feel that drunk on planes.

I dropped max off last night with his sitter, he seems happy there but I got home and I kept instinctively looking for him, to say hi and whatnot.

Waiting for him to clear the edge of the bed, when he jumps on it.

Oh God, turbulence.

All right, switching from Bonnie Raitt to Taylor Swift. 1989 (the album, not the year) always makes me think of alex, and when we first started dating. Swoon.

My mouth is dry.

What concerts have I attended this year?

Bruce Springsteen

Tegan & Sara

Sam Beam & Jesca Hoop

That might be it, but there are more coming up:

Bonnie Raitt!!!!!

Brandi Carlile!

And hopefully, once she posts her LA tour date, Rachael Yamagata!!!!!

I just want to be on the ground in Paris. Then I’ll do a two hour flight to Budapest, easy peasy, and then I’ll get my bags, go through customs, and take the shuttle to the boat!!!!!

I hope Abby and I have a crazy reunion moment. I hope everyone on the boat loves us.

I hope there are fun crew members who I can crack running jokes with.

I’m sitting next to a South African on the plane – crazy. Of all the other international flights I’ve done, I flew to and from there!

Alex imitated an African accent today, and I genuinely didn’t know what he was trying to achieve because he sounded exactly like a muppet.

I have Fuller House burned to my desktop, I could watch episodes of it. just stupid, mindless TV.

I’m tired.

Stupid turbulence, scaring the pee out of me.

I managed to write like 200 words of my book, then I came over here to write this.

I’m going to Europe. Focus, bailey, focus.

I might just get on that boat and take a nap. But I have a feeling we’ll head to the bar, or get drinks delivered to our room. [We did got to the bar.]

Ahhhhh, it’s gonna be so great once I actually get there.

Why is it so easy to type 500 words when you’re just typing about yourself and your life? I guess I just answered my own question.

The toilet keeps flushing behind me and I’m like, “what?!” and then every time I realize it’s just the toilet. [I kept thinking the wheels were falling out of the plane, mid flight. I have problems.]

Carrie and I were talking about flying yesterday and I was laughing so hard I was crying. God love and bless her.

5 hours, 5 minutes left.

My flight attendant’s name is eric. I ordered “du vin, rouge” from him and he said I could live in Paris. I’ll take it.

It’s only 9:01 in LA, but that is bedtime for me.

You’ve got that james dean, daydream, look in your eye.

Oh taylor.

God love and bless her.

Someone just flushed the toilet. Aroused me (not THAT way) from my almost nap. This is why I can’t sleep on planes.

Well one of the reasons.

Every damn time that toilet flushes!

I’ve only peed twice and we’ve been on board for like 6 hours. That’s pretty good for me.

I keep getting the urge to text people or message them on facebook, to have some interaction to calm my nerves, but alas.

I want to be all curled up sleeping – cause I’d sleep easy for like 3, 4 hours now, but I don’t think I can. My nerves are too high. My eyes are burning.

Maybe I should pray for other people, to take the focus off me"

Good night! Tomorrow? Budapest adventures abound!!!!! Count your blessings, folks! I don't care if you're not somewhere exotic, you are BLESSED in some way, so count it! (Trust me, I wasn't always a world traveler like this, I used to sit around and mope and be jealous of people in Europe. Then I started to appreciate what was in front of me an d additional blessings fell in my lap.)