Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Attention men on dating websites:

If you would like me to not be interested in dating you, please do one or more of the following as you choose how to personalize your profile:

1. Post a picture of yourself with another woman. Please do this. This is great. This makes it clear to me that a)you are absolutely not taken, and b)you are not a player.
2. Don't bother to place a caption with this photo that indicates this woman is your sister or your cousin. This is also helpful.
3. Please post a picture of yourself at a shooting range. This will get my pacifist self very excited to date you and very excited about our date to the shooting range that we will never go on.
4. Post a picture of your flexed muscles. This leads me to believe you are not arrogant.
5. Mention that you are laid back. Because no one else is.
6. Mention that you have a great sense of humor.
7. Tell me how much you love the outdoors. Because no one else loves being outdoors, and this is all that I'm looking for in a man.
8. Write "Anything else you want to know, just ask."
9. You know, while we're at it, go ahead and write "just ask" one more time, so that I know you really mean it.
10. Tell me how driven and goal-oriented you are. This helps me to know that you are uptight and already have your mind made up about things. This lets me know that you are one of my favorite types of people--who I am very compatible with, to boot--and that you have a lot of room for me to come into your life and offer my opinion about how we might live life together.
11. Post group pictures, so that a)I can't tell which one in the picture that you are, and b)so that you are about as big as a paperclip on my computer screen, thus I can get a really good look at you.
12. Post pictures of all the places around the world you've traveled to, so I can know that you've already been there and now won't go with me and so I can be insanely jealous about all your stories. Triggering my jealousy node is the best way to get me excited about making out with you. I love being jealous.

I might post some more thoughts on this as they come to me. But this ought to keep you busy in updating your profile for now.

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