Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Real life -- full(er) of emotion

I know I should probably be wrapping gifts or packing my suitcase for Kansas, but I am very busy.
Jill and I are rapid-fire texting, now that I have completed watching all of Fuller House.
We are critiquing every last bit. Guest stars, love interests, annoying characters, the BEST characters (Max first, Steph second).
I almost told a coworker today to put down his donut, because the episode where everyone gets donut poisoning was still fresh in my brain, and fantasy was mixed in with my reality.
I'm not kidding.
The good news is I've finished my binge, so I should come back down to earth soon and will be able to look at donuts normally once again.
Here's what else is going on in my life:
I'm blue.
Like, staring into space, feeling sad during the day. Waking up in the night, feeling sad then, too.
And I'm irritable.
Like, I was at a potluck recently, and all I could think was, "Why are these people SO EXCITED about some food?"
Yowsa. Did anybody order a Grinch?
I called my psychiatrist this morning, and left a message with the receptionist. I didn't want to make the call, to be honest, because it's a task, and they might ask me to come in, and when you're feeling blue and like yelling at everyone, the last thing you want to do is tell a doctor how you're feeling and then play trial and error with your meds.
But I did it.
They say we're nothing without our health. I am still something, I would say, with whacked out emotions, but it's really hard to get anything of substance done, anything that would make me feel good.
I'm grateful for the dumb joy the Tanner family has brought me this week, and I truly got out of my head when Jill and I were freaking out over Steve's romanticism, but mostly, if I'm being honest, I feel awful.
No motivation to exercise, to eat anything other than sugar or salt, to lift a finger.
I'm not even all that excited for Christmas. Five years ago, this would be normal for me, but the last couple of years I've actually enjoyed the holidays, and I hate to fly home feeling unenthused.
So why am I telling you all this?
1. I know a lot of you aren't happy that it's Christmastime. I want you to know you're not alone. I struggle, too.
2. I want to show you a real life snapshot of med management. You can feel good for months, years even. And then all of a sudden you may not. It's obnoxious, and made 10 times harder when you're having to deal with it in the midst of not feeling like yourself, but it's completely worth tackling. I have some semblance of peace, knowing/hoping that once my doc and I get this sorted out, I'll be back to Bailey in a few weeks.
3. The irony to my lack of personal sanity right now is that I just wrote a piece for a website regarding holiday stress, and how to cope. So I will tell you what I told readers in the article I wrote:
I want you to give yourself grace, particularly if you're not feeling great. I want you to find something small, something silly, that grants you respite. If cheesy sitcoms aren't your thing, maybe make something -- food, baked goods, a craft, a masterpiece of your woodworking skills. Go ice skating. Buy yourself a shiny pair of shoes. Organize your linen closet.
I don't know. Just get out of your head. And don't force yourself to feel any which way, because, news flash, it won't work if you force it.
So. Breathe. Eat. Sleep. Walk. And call your doc if needed.

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