Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Sleepykins

I'm having trouble sitting for long periods of time these days. Well, sitting and paying attention to something other than television or beer and pizza on a table in front of me.

During a lecture yesterday--which was engaging and interesting--I feel like I was tappin' my toes, and then today I had two meetings back to back and I had such a hard time there too.

I think during meetings especially there can be a lot of anxiety just building up as you sit there. People are tossing around ideas, then building on those ideas. You often gain a responsibility or two during the meeting. And if discussion goes down a tangent that either doesn't interest or directly concern you, you just have to sit there and listen.

My anxiety bubbles and I just want to excuse myself. "Can I go to the hall and eat my snack while you finish discussing this?"

We just have so. much. to do.

I was at dinner with my friend Chris tonight and he was trying to get a grasp on what it is that's on my plate (besides the artichoke pizza), between preparing to write a thesis (and no, I don't just mean sitting there thinking about it), writing for a publication, teaching assistant responsibilities...

So to add to that by merely listening to other's conversations can seriously stress me out--call me ridiculous, or nod your head in utter agreement. It kind of makes me feel selfish, thinking in a way that essentially says, "I don't want to listen to your issues*," but again--so. much. to do.

So often I have to just focus on the very next thing--what's due tomorrow, in the next hour. When was the last time I ate? Better grab a string cheese. Cat's meowing--feed him. I have to ignore the embarrassing clutter of dishes on the counter, in the sink, on the living room floor (because I eat there a lot, not because I store my kitchen supplies there), resist the urge to paint my nails (I want to paint them turquoise next), and just type out the 750- and 150-word assignments due tomorrow, reminding myself that the weekend is almost here and then I can wash dishes, paint my nails.

(And then realize that the weekend is over and I have to do homework and sit through lectures and meetings again.)

I suppose the good news is that as I get progressively more exhausted (ugh), sitting for an hour or so might become a welcome task.

*At least not at the time. I used to be a much better listener, sitting with people for hours to let them vent, be upset, be happy. I like to think I still do that with some...and that I'll get back to that (well, to some degree--I'll probably never have the same listening capacity as I did as a freshman in college again) eventually. :/

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