So being lonely and feeling lost is just a part of life, then. Bummer.
I say this like I haven't already known that for a while now.
This is not supposed to sound like I'm always sad and lonely. Just kind of an on and off emotion of my life right now. I actually had a pretty great day at work today. Sometimes after all the work and busyness stops you start to feel the other stuff.
This delicious song takes the edge off. I was with my dear friend Shelly this winter at her place for dinner and I turned on this song and we just laid/sat there and listened to it. So soothing. If I recall correctly it was after a rather rough night for me, not sleeping part of the night. Being awake and alone when the rest of the world is sleeping can sometimes be the worst. But God took me through that night and the next day and then took me to Shelly's, where she fed me and we listened to Bon Iver.
And watched The O.C., I think.
I just got up (just now, not in the winter when I was with Shell) and closed my blinds. It's dark outside and light inside and I caught my reflection. Do you ever check yourself out in a reflection and then realize people might be able to see you on the other side of the glass?
So back to what I was talking about. God brought me through that rough night and other rough days and He brought me to Cali and here I am after a good day at work, don't know what I'll be doing in a month, no cat. Roof over my head, food in my belly, grateful for friends even if they're not right here with me at this exact moment.
This weekend some plans fell through with a friend and I started to race ahead in my head, thinking, "What am I going to do next weekend? When will I get to hang out with a friend next? Will I make friends here?" and as I put clothes in the washer or took them out I told myself to slow down. Don't race ahead. God will give you friends. You will make it through. Psalm 68:6: God sets the lonely in families.
And I finished my laundry--I love doing laundry--and watched the Kardashians and Nick called and we talked and I laughed heartily. He told me about the outfit he saw a woman wearing and we talked about the appropriateness of wearing tight clothing at work. For the record: not appropriate.
I slept hard and long that night--might have woken up once or twice but when I was asleep it was pretty good sleep.
Last night I woke up around 4 a.m. and read from my book, All Creatures Great and Small by James Herriot, to fall back asleep. After about 2 pages I was ready to sleep again. Things could be worse than reading about animals in Scotland in the 50s when you're up in the middle of the night.
So many times when I was living in the 'burbs with my 'rents (and abbreviating words to imitate street talk) I would freak out about being alone, not knowing what to do with that next hour of my life, or day, or weekend. Then I would go to the grocery store and see someone I hadn't seen in years, or months. And I would remember, His eye is on the sparrow.
Yesterday at church (this church I go to is awesome, by the by) our pastor read to us from Psalm 84. I'm in love:
"Blessed are those whose strength is in you, in whose heart are the highways to Zion. As they go through the Valley of Baca they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools. They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion." --Psalm 84: 5-7
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm not exactly comfortable. But I'm okay. And actually after writing this I'm feeling a little better. More vibrant, like the pink is back in my cheeks.
I forget that this writing thing is restorative for me.