Thursday, March 17, 2016

Brought to you from the middle of the night (ugh)

Insomnia used to be a friend enemy of mine, but I'm pretty sure that once we parted ways I never asked it to drop in for a visit whenever it felt like it.

So why?, insomnia, are you here tonight?

As much as I love any opportunity to feel the cat's weight against my leg, and to listen to his tongue voraciously comb his fur...well, I'd rather be sleeping right now.

Legitimately aggravated am I, and a wee bit unsettled, by the fact that I haven't struggled to sleep in well over a year, and for the past two nights I have spent any time at all staring at the ceiling.

These have been mild cases, too, mind you, which is causing me to ask: how did I ever put up with this for all those years?

I used to not sleep at all, People. Like, would lie in bed, never fall asleep, and then get out of bed in the morning.

It was terrible. So terrible that I'd rather not explore it right now, I'm discovering rapidly as I type this.

So let's move on.

I'm going to see my therapist in approximately 10 hours. I don't usually "excite" (yes, I'm making that a verb) for therapy sessions, but I finally did something that I've been telling him for months I would do, so I'm looking forward to marching in there, plopping myself on that couch, and casually, arrogantly telling him that, well. I finally did it.

I hope there's a standing ovation and an applause track.

There really should be.

I packed a workout bag before going to..."sleep" tonight. I find this is the first step to success in an exercise plan for myself. I used to think the big important thing was getting to the gym, but I'm finding what needs to come prior is dressing out for gym.

Remember when we used to throw that term around? Dressing out? Phew. Throw back Thursday, Y'all.

Anyway. I'm excited for my four miles of cardio tomorrow.

And for therapy. Whoa. What's up with me? Not sleeping and I'm looking forward to therapy.

All right, let's see what else I can talk to you about before trying to sleep again.

OK, this is another downer topic, like insomnia (or would that be an upper? Since it keeps you up?), but we're going to delve into it, because no time like the can't-believe-I'm-still-awake present.

So I've been catching myself in moments of self reflection lately, and I feel like I'm coursing with poison.

Dramatic? Maybe. But I just feel like I'm being judgmental and negative and nasty and gossipy and yick yick yick what is up with me?!

Praying -- in the 20 second bursts that I can manage -- that I can reel it in and get some good coursing through my veins again soon.

Do you ever have seasons -- however brief -- like that? Where you just look at yourself and think, "[Your name here]? Calm it down. Be nice!"?

Well I'm in one of those seasons. I'd appreciate your prayer if you can spare a 20 second burst of a moment.

Now off to see if my body will grant me a little rest.

Not the nicest, or well-rested, or thinnest version of me

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