Sunday, October 24, 2010

Two headed monster: "Bl-Og. Blog!"

I want a life. I want a life with weekends.

Once upon a time I used to watch every Chiefs game. Once upon a time I attended Jayhawk football games. And once upon a time I used to play pickup games of football.

This Friday I did homework downtown and grumbled to myself at all the passers-by in their Mizzou clothes, with their kids with temporary tiger tattoos on their cheeks. At the sorority girls and fraternity boys painting the shop windows. When I left campus Friday afternoon, I knew I wouldn't return downtown until after the festivities were over.

And this made me mad and sad.

I love football. I love drinking beer with strangers (that sounds bad, even in context--I like drinking beer with strangers in safe situations). I love fall weather. But none of that is in my life anymore. I had one beer this weekend, made no friends with strangers, and hardly spent ten minutes outdoors.

I don't feel human. I turn down social invitations either because I don't have the time right then or know that I can only afford to take quick breaks, and I know that in order to keep breaks brief I need to take them solo.

I'm hungry and tired a lot.

I try to enjoy my weekends with Mike, but during ones like this, I am too stressed to even properly appreciate his saintly way of sitting quietly while I type all weekend. This makes me feel like a jerk. To this he says "nonsense" and kisses me, but I know he's just being nice, which is another point for him, with zip for Bailey.

Grumpy grumpy grumpy. Overworked. Nothing I can do about it.

Classmates ask me about how internship applications are coming, I get frustrated. I almost said once this week "I don't want to talk about it," but couldn't think of a way not to sound rude.

I've never had strong desires to freeze time, but now I understand why people daydream about it.

Sorry for the whining. That's about all I can squeeze out of myself at the moment.

Back to my Sesame Street research.

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