Why I'm (supposedly) losing weight

I washed the pot.

I filled the pot.

I brought it to a boil.

I reduced the heat.

I let it simmer.

I waited for 30 minutes.

I fluffed the rice with a fork.

I put it in a bowl.

I added gooey butter to it.

I walked to the living room.

I got back up and put more butter in the bowl (still hadn't taken a bite, though).

I walked back to the living room.

I honestly don't know what happened, but I tripped or caught myself on something in my path, causing...

the bowl to fly onto the floor--

luckily not breaking--

of course upside down.

I stared at the heap of beautiful brown rice on the floor.

Then I grabbed the vacuum cleaner and had goldfish crackers and animal cookies for dinner.

So to all of you concerned family and friends who said I was too skinny during Thanksgiving

(brother Kelly: "Your job today is to go into the kitchen and eat"),

let this be proof to you that I do try to fill myself with fatty calories.

But sometimes rice falls on the floor.

I really am eating, I just really, really wish I had a personal chef sometimes.